Current Wardrobe: Baby blue t-shirt, lavendar silk pajama bottoms, silky lavender panties
You know, it’s easy to like someone, it’s easy to hide emotions when you care about someone, it’s easy to dream…. but it is so hard to like someone when you see them kissing someone else right in front of you. For those who’ve been reading this journal over the past few months, you probably know that Dino (nickname for Dominico) and I have been sleeping together just as casual fuck buddies, and nothing more. I know that he dates other girls, and he knows that I date other guys. I don’t have a jealous bone on my body when it comes to that, because he is not my boyfriend.
BUT…
on Saturday night, I went to the club… and he was there. With someone else. That part didn’t bother me. I still danced and had a good time and we still struck up a conversation and everything. But then he would kiss her, cuddle with her, dance with her, and hold her the same way he did with me. And it hurt more than life itself. It hurt so bad, I couldn’t breathe. I felt so nauseaus, I just fled the club, I got in my car and fled like a baby. After driving nearly 30 miles out, I did a U-turn and headed back asking God for confidence, bravery, and strength. And He gave it to me. I refuse to let some guy be responsible for me leaving my favorite club. So I went back, danced with different people, got hit on all night, I felt confident and sexy and I tried not to notice Dino with his date. It was hard, so hard. But I did it. It was difficult to head back, but I think mentally I had to prove to myself that he didn’t bother me.
The next night Dino calls me as casual as any other day and brags that he got VIP tickets to a raiders game and tells me how great it was… and he calls me tonight and asks me to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks with him, but I politely said no. I just don’t think I can put on a happy face with him right now. He did nothing wrong, I know. But I am afraid of admitting some sort of feeling for him, and he is the kind of guy who would flee and never see me again if he knew I felt this for him.
So….
I have decided to meet someone else named Ryan. I hope I get to see him tonight so I can spend the new year with someone amazing, but we agreed that he’d come down on Sunday. He lives in Las Vegas as a chef and is in college studying Culinary Arts. We’ve been writing for many months and we’ve both kind of had an online crush on each other and we’ve finally decided to meet. The thing is, we both kind of WANT a serious relationship. I think deep down I need it. It is so hard for me to live and be alone. I mean, I can DO it, I’m doing it now… but it would be so nice to have someone to love. So I may give a relationship a shot. We’ll see. I am hoping we have good chemistry together and hope we have a lot in common.
On another note, I got the rest of the Christmas gifts in the mail from my Maryland attorney sexy man and have been listening to the sarah mclachlan cd, the mazzy star cd, a cool Coyote Ugly dvd, an awesome book called the Mammoth Book of Illustrated Erotica which has some of the best photographs EVER, as well as some awesome expansion packs for the game settlers of catan, a bunch of ClickArt and a whole lot of other gifts. I mentioned all the gifts on the “pamper me” page as a way of showing my sincerest gratitude towards him *smooches* thank you!!! You are sooo sweet, I just adore you! Thank you!
Shoutouts:
Had TWO HOURS with a sexy man who let me deny him over and over, had a sexy HOUR with my strapon sissy hypnotizing him and making him so sexy, had wonderful HOUR long call with my sexy straight hot topic man who just loves those funky t-shirts, had a delicious HOUR with a cute panty-wearing pantyboy who just loves to eat pussy, had a whole HOUR with my washington english boy who loves to take it up the ass and also likes to pleasure my pink pussy, had a fantastic time talking to a man who thought he wanted to be a bad little sissy slut but it turned out he just wanted to chat a little bit and he was a very kind person, had a sexy and polite gentleman who called me TWICE just to please me and make me feel like a beautiful woman licking me and pleasuring my toes - mmm I loved, had a whole HOUR with a man in minnesota who truly pulls off being a woman in the most possible way - you are such a sweetie alana *wink*, I had a most enriching HOUR with my michigan state fan who surprised me out of the blue just to chat and “get to know you” which to me - are the best types of calls where you get to just be yourself and be a little personal - after hanging up the phone, I felt completely special and also felt like I had gotten to know him - thank you, I also had a wonderful sexy time with my red delivery boy who is so sexy in his panties and sexy girlie clothes, and I had three other calls from other people and even though I remember their names and how long the calls were, I swear I cannot remember what we did. I apologize to you if you were expecting your name in here, but it is so hard for me to remember back almost 6 days worth of shoutouts and it has completely escaped my mind.
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