Current Wardrobe: short black skirt, burgandy belly shirt, fishnet stockings, black heels
Just got back from the store, did a bit of impulse shopping. Got a 7-piece Home Theater System from wal-mart for only 69 dollars (what a deal!), I thought that kind of kicked ass. Now if only I can figure out the wiring…. hmmm bought some dvds (got Romeo and Juliet, Die Another Day, Moulin Rouge, The Addams Family, the first season of American Idol, and a couple others), some more paints (all on sale!), some pens (these had really cool glitter), and flipped through the picture book called “Passion of Christ” a photo album from the movie. My heart absolutely fell on the floor and I couldn’t move. I haven’t seen the movie… and I really don’t know if I want to. I know that all that blood and gore is all makeup, lighting, and cinematography…. but I have a weak stomach for that and also being a spiritual person with many convictions I think I would probably burst into tears right there in my seat. Flipping through the book was enough for me. I might wait for the movie to come on DVD so I can hit pause and come back when I think I can handle it in sections. The thought of him being beaten like that just kills me. Anyway, like you all wanted to hear me say all THAT.
I feel kind of bad because the last week and a half I have been working really really hard and haven’t had much free time. Tony and I haven’t really talked at all. I think he is starting to see me as a bit of a workaholic, which is kind of true. But you know what, this job is my priority. I know relationships require a lot of give and take…. but man…. when you’re busy, you’re busy. And I can’t put work on hold when I have people who rely on me - all for a little bit of personal gratification. We’ve been dating for about a month and a half now…… I feel a sense of comfort and convenience when I am around him, he treats me like a princess and is everything a girl could want. He’s gorgeous, he’s sweet, and has a heart of gold. How come my heart isn’t satisfied? Why do I want more? I love the idea of him being a musician with a poetic soul, but you know what… I like an intelligent man who I can talk level with, someone who understands the work involved in running a business, someone who isn’t jealous when I take calls, someone who is relatively local - the three hour thing is just so aggravating when I really want someone with me sometimes. I’ve been handed something great. Any other girl would fall in love with him. Maybe I just don’t know what I want.
Oh and I re-did the front page to my website at http://letmeseduceyou.com - pretty cool animation that took me forever to get it the “artistic painted” look…..
Love you all!
I am grieved to see you are so sad. You seem to be caught in the classic battle between your heart and your head. Your head seems to be telling you that you “should” be in love with him, but your heart says no. It almost appears that you are logically trying to convince your heart to feel something different. And while you might be successful at this in the short run, in the long run it will not work because you will not be truly happy.
I don’t think that it is you want more … you just want, plain and simple. Your heart is not happy with this relationship or you would not be having this turmoil.
I was in a relationship with someone in your industry and it did not bother me, in fact, I thought it helped, as she was always bringing something new to the table that she picked up over the phone. Her work made her more creative; her clients would suggest something neither of us had thought of and we would try it out, or better yet, it would get us thinking of tangents of the original idea. I was not jealous because I knew IN MY HEART that this was just work, and at the end of the day she came home with me. Consider this … would he get jealous if you tried something that a friend suggested as opposed to a client? Or if a girl friend made the suggestion as opposed to a boy friend? What’s the difference?
When I was young (many, many years ago) I was engaged to a clergyman’s daughter. I could not have made my parents happier. But my heart was unsure, and in the end, it was proved right - she turned out not to be faithful. Later on in life, when I least expected it, when I was least prepared to deal with it, this woman entered my life that turned me upside down. She was older, in a different religion, and had kids. She also had some health problems. My family was seriously opposed to it. And I asked, “How healthy must she be before I am allowed to love her? How few kids must she have?” Both my parents sat dumbfounded with no answer, which gave me the answer I needed - go with the heart. We married against their wishes, and lived a very happy 23 years. And even though we had issues with some of my, shall we say, preferences, it was negotiable, because we loved each other, because our hearts were willing to work with our heads to come to a common ground.
I think the bottom line is that you must go with the heart. I believe you need to keep your heart in check with what your head says, but if the heart is not happy, then neither can the soul. Life is too short and too fragile not to search for the right one.
Make the heart happy and everything else is negotiable.
Just an opinion from an old man.
Your Jax Pantyboy.
Working hard early in your life will allow you to do whatever you want and retire early. You are learning how to manage your own business. It is courageous and sets you apart from those afraid to pursue their dreams.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting more. Life will give you what you ask of it. Most people settle for what they think they can get. Others like you reach for the stars and aspire.
Find someone who understands running a business. A business is like a child. You are the parent. It needs constant supervision and nurturing so that it will develop into a full-fledged business that no longer needs you to watch over it.
You’re doing a wonderful job. Few realize the love and sacrifice you put into your business. It’s your baby, and it needs you. You have realized that when it comes to finding a mate, you need someone who is understanding of that. He must be someone who supports you and enriches your life without making you feel guilty about having high expectations of yourself.
Your true mate will accept you for whatever path you choose. He will stand by you regardless of the decisions you make and never make you choose between love and career. If a man truly loves you, he will let you be free to pursue your destiny.
You are beautiful, talented, intelligent, and caring. You are also a sexual being. It’s part of your nature. You are a Scorpio and the Sign of Sex. It’s a part of you. Don’t deny a part of yourself and who you are as a person. There will be men that will try to make you feel guilty for being yourself. The right man for you won’t. He will love you regardless.
With your lifestyle, you rarely have time to really seek out a good prospect. You can narrow down your searches though. If you’re looking for a business-minded individual, look to networking events or social gatherings where affluent people get together.
As you’ve discovered, most men will be intimidated by you being a business owner. When you accepted the role of business owner, you set yourself apart from most women. You also narrowed down your options of quality men who can handle keeping up with you because they will feel inferior or uncomfortable being with a woman who is smarter and earns more than them. It’s difficult to respect a partner who doesn’t understand your career.
It will also be difficult respecting a man who earns less than you. When you fight about stuff and you earn 5 or 10 times more than he does, you’re going to dislike having him tell you what to do or how to live your life. When you look at who pays for most of the expenses and affords the comfortable lifestyle you want, you will feel short-changed. Especially if he mistreats you while you’re the one who’s bringing home the paychecks.
You are very correct. You need to find yourself a man who challenges you mentally, inspires you to achieve, forces you to stretch yourself, and makes you feel good about yourself and the work you’re doing in your business.
Tony could still be that man, but he needs to adjust his thinking on certain things. It depends on if he is willing to change as well as come to understand your lifestyle and needs. There’s always hope for everybody, but sometimes some people are more compatible than others.
You do know what you want. Trust your judgment. You are discovering what you need in a companion. Sometimes you have to discover what you like by discovering what you don’t like. That will allow you to narrow down and home in on what you truly want. Though remember that sometimes things change. You will not be the same person with the same needs 10 years from now. You need to find someone who is willing and accepting of change.
You have such a bright future ahead of you. Your accomplishments are exceptional. Find a man who appreciates your work, understands how hard you work, and gives you the love and support. He’ll love your art, get excited when you achieve major milestones in your life, be accepting of your sexual lifestyle, and discover that your love comes in the truest form because it is not dependent on sex.
Your business teaches you that anyone can make you cum, but only a select few can win your heart. Somewhere out there is the man you are dreaming of and who will be there for you and complete you.
Awww it is sooo nice to hear from you in my journal, and what a heartfelt comment to. Thank you for your kind words and how sweet of you to write what you did. I do agree with you … sometimes you gotta follow your heart and not your head and right now so many arrows are pointing the right way but my heart is being pulled in another. I’ll take what you said to heart and it means so much — thank you!
Love
Isabella
xoxoxo