Today I felt my first rushes of nervousness go through my body in my excitement just fantasizing about my future time together with slave m. And I know it’s normal to be both nervous and excited when it comes to meeting a complete stranger whom you connect with online but have never met in person. I feel so many emotions towards this person and the truth is, I know that deep down HE is more nervous than I am. He is scared shitless to meet me because he puts me on such a high pedestal. And not only that, he worships the ground I walk on and has never once lived, breathed, or experienced a BDSM relationship, so he will be looking to me to set all the mood and the pace. I have no problem with that, I actually prefer it that way. And until today, I wasn’t really nervous at all. But for some reason, today I was sitting down and it occured to me, that… oh my God. This will be my first time… in a LONG time… that I have taken an unowned slave into My home and began the art of training. The act of starting from part one… setting rules. Enforcing them. Enforcing commands. Setting limits and and guidelines. Giving instructions and what to do, what not to do. How to do it right. What I like and how I like it. What to say and how to say it right. How to lower your head and when the right time to do it is. When to beg and when it’s simply ridiculous.

Training a slave is an art form. Anyone can pretend to be a dominatrix. But only someone who has clearly been doing this for years can have the patience to train someone the proper way. And the thing is… no one can be trained in a weekend. It just can’t be done. Otherwise, you’re just training a “play slave” and it’s not real slavery. It’s just a fun time and it’s not anything tangible and it’s not what I’m seeking. What I’ve been doing with slave m has been putting him through somewhat of an online training for months, to get him somewhat ready for what will happen to him. And what to expect when he arrives from me and what I expect from him in return. I’ve been trying to teach him about pain and pleasure and introduced him to so many different fetishes he had never heard of before. Many he had misconceptions about and I had to go through them one by one and say things like, “No… actually… you’ve got that all wrong. It’s actually a beautiful fetish and it’s very erotic. You just have to understand it.” And then once it’s explained to him, his mind opens up and he becomes fascinated with the concept and he trusts me to try it with him. That’s what I like about him. There’s very few things he’s said no to (the only things he’s said no to are the same things I’ve said no to myself). And the things I want to try with him are things he’s interested in too. I am so excited and whether or not we end up having a 24/7 relationship, who knows. Like I’ve said before. His family and friends all live out there. He has a job and a home. He lives in another state. He has another life. Would he be willing to give it all up after just one weekend with me? Maybe. Who knows.

So many guys say to me all the time, “I would do ANYTHING to be your slave.” But the thing is, no they wouldn’t. It’s mostly fantasy to a lot of people. They like to IMAGINE themselves as my slave. Or they like to imagine themselves as my slave for a weekend or a week or a month. But for a lifetime? To give up their lives? Then it becomes real to them. And being a “slave” is different than being a “submissive.” Because being a slave means serving me and being selfless in every way. But being submissive generally involves wanting some sort of equal power exchange and wanting some sort of sexual satisfaction in return. Guys write me and say they want to be my slave, but really they are just submissives because they assume I’ll want to fuck their ass with a strapon (that’s pleasing them, not me), or want me to dress them up like little girls (again, that’s catering to THEIR fetish and is not a selfless act and does not qualify them as being a slave), or want me to “do this” or “do that” to them. A true slave isn’t about that. Sure, a slave and a Mistress need to have similar fetishes. But for years I’ve been surrounded by people who pretend to be slaves or pretend to worship me when really, they don’t have a clue. And for once in my life, I’ve met someone who I’ve helped transform from a submissive to a true genuine slave. And he loves this transformation and wants to see if it’s something he can handle in a real situation. Personally, I think he can. As often as we talk and as well as I know his reactions, responses, fears, and anxieties… I know how far to push him and when to stop. I know how to take him to the edge of many fetishes and when to reel him back in. Both of us have dreamed about this almost all of our lives.

Just the very thought of this is making me nervous though and it’s not that I’m afraid of “messing up” because I’m rather experienced at this. It’s just that I’m excited and nervous about meeting him. I’m also sort of sexually nervous too, if that makes sense. God I can’t believe I’m even admitting that in my journal. I mean. I gotta admit. I’m not attracted to that many men. But some of his photos turn me on. If I decide to get impulsive and bind him down and fuck his brains out… well, that will be the first time I will feel a real *man penis* inside me, in well… about a year. And like… what if there’s no sexual chemistry at all? Hmmm I doubt that will happen and even if that does, we’ll still have fun I’m sure. And what if the sexual chemistry is all one sided? Or what if I decide to fuck him on top and one of my knees gives out on me and I’m not able to walk anymore for the rest of the weekend? How embarrassing would that be? It’s terrible that I’m thinking about that but for the last 6 or 7 months sometimes I’ll be exercising and pull a knee muscle and not be able to walk up and down stairs anymore or something drastic. Thankfully that hasn’t happened in 2 months now. (The more weight I lose, the better my knees have been getting). And it’s not like I’m PLANNING on fucking him. Hell we both know it’s not even on the agenda. Trust me, I got so many other things on my brain of things I want to do with him that don’t include intercourse. But in the past, I’ve always gotten impulsive when horniness got the best of me, especially when I hadn’t had a penis in about a year. And well, I’ll have a horny, naked man in my house worshipping me. It’s a good thing he’ll have a chastity device on…. and perhaps I might have him KEEP it on just to remind me not to fuck him. Plus it might add to his humiliation if I just tell him I only like girls anyway and he doesn’t have a chance to get near my vagina. (But fuck if I get horny, that only hurts my pleasure which is a waste of his large cock being there. I’m only using him for his penis anyway and he knows that.)

Anyway I’m not nervous in a bad way, I hope it’s not coming across that way. I’m actually kind of “happy nervous” because I want the time to fly for him to get here. I want to know what the “verdict is” to know how things went already. I hate the WAITING period. I hate just shaking my leg or tapping my foot and staring at the calendar waiting for the day to arrive when I can blindfold him, cuff him, cage him, and lock him up. I want to begin brainwashing him already and introduce him to my world. I want to watch him strip naked in front of me, which he is scared shitless to do, bow in front of me and be trained to beg and obey. This is a purely vanilla boy who is suddenly going to be dipped in caramel and his whole world will never be the same. I hope I live up to his high expectations. He thinks so well of me and sees me as a queen as though I could do no harm. I would hate to introduce him to a side of me that is grotesque or meanspirited. I hope I don’t see a dead rat in the house or something cause then he’d see a different side to me. But then again, I can only be me. He’s heard a lot of my hypnosis recordings, both evil and sweet, which I’ve given to him and he loves. He’s heard many sides of me and seen many photos of me that others have not. He’s even seen me topless (masturbating) on webcam LOL haha. So um… what can I say. I’ve done my part in delivering realistic expectations.

Ok I’ve talked way too much and spoken too much private stuff so I’m gonna stop talking now.

Love
Isabella
xoxooxox

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