Archive for November, 2007

Kindness

Published on November 29, 2007 in Journal posts. 6 Comments

A long time ago, when I was perhaps 14 or 15 years old… I was poor, broke, and dressed in mismatched clothes. And truth be told, I felt really bad about myself because I couldn’t afford nice things. One day a lady from church named Barbara decided to take me under her wings. She said she saw potential in me. This was coming during a time when I was going through my grunge faze of hand-me down clothes and wore raggedy, dirty things. She was a lady in her 40s who decided to spend time and money just making me feel good. We went from clothing store to clothing store, trying clothes on and every time I tried on an outfit, a grin would shoot across my face and I just felt better as a person. She picked out new shoes for me, several pairs. And spent hundreds of dollars on “making me over.” She took me out to dinner, spoiled me like a princess, and taught me how to dress. She showed me how to get my hair done, let me experience my first manicure and pedicure, and I even discovered the first use of a cell phone (this was one of those big bulky monster phones). I was in awe of her. When the night was coming to an end, we sat in the car silently. I remember feeling completely overwhelmed, grateful, thankful, and honored that this woman who really didn’t know me - spent so much money and time on me for no other reason than to make me feel good. I looked at her and said, “How can I ever repay you?” I had never been so serious in my life. I wanted to give back to her but I had no money and nothing to offer. She said to me, “When the time is right, you’ll do the same for someone else.”

Her words have stayed with me for over a decade and every year I try my best to give back to ONE person and make their life just a little sweeter, like she did for me. Just having new clothes gave me so much more self-confidence and made me appreciate myself more when looking in the mirror, which in turn, made the world around me seem that much better.

Today I decided to spoil my housekeeper, Jenny. Now keep in mind that Jenny works her tail off. She works so much, that she would work in her sleep if you let her. She is constantly in a state of worry - worrying about the kids, worrying about the grandkids, worrying about her husband, worrying about cleanliness of her house, food on the table, errands, doing this, doing that, having no time for HER, etc. I asked her when was the last time she had spent time just relaxing… and she fought back tears. She said, “I don’t have time to relax. I have work to do!” And that’s ALWAYS her answer. In the past, I bought her a day at the spa and she never used it, because she said, “I don’t have time!” Everyday, she complains about being tired, exhausted, stressed, worn out, drained, etc. It’s been the same story every day. For almost 17 years, she has neglected to spend time on HER, whether it be lack of free time or her knack of always putting others before herself. So when she came over today and I gave her 5 bags of food that either had sugar, milk, or meat products within them — she had no idea that my agenda was to practically kidnap her and force her to have some fun.

I spent a good 10 minutes convincing her that she deserves to have fun. She came up with every excuse such as “I have to be somewhere,” or “I haven’t taken a shower,” or “I can’t have fun, I need to work!” (I swear, that’s what she said). It took quite a bit of persuading, I must say. I could tell by her body language that she felt undeserving of fun and eventually she admitted she never felt it was ok for her to just enjoy herself. A little reframing helped her mindset. I said, “Jenny, you deserve to spend time on you.” The first time I said it, she shrugged it off and gave another excuse. This time I looked her square in the eyes and said, “Jenny, you deserve to spend time on you.” And she looked slightly hesitant but I could tell I was getting through to her. When she tried to say something again, I said to her, “Jenny, we both know how hard you work. Your family knows how hard you work. How much work do you need to do until you are satisfied?” And she said, “I’m never satisfied.” And I said, “How much better will you feel when you actually come home with a smile on your face and feel energy?” And she said, “I have no idea what that would feel like. I always come home exhausted.” So I basically framed the idea of getting away for a couple hours as a godsend gift of her being able to spend a short time enjoying leisure and fun so that in the future, she can learn to accept that mindset of energy and confidence and have a place she could mentally go back to. After all, if she experiences a few hours of utter bliss, she’ll be able to feel it later on in life and call on it in times when she needs it.

Eventually my persuasion worked, especially when I phrased it in such a way that if she were happy, wouldn’t it also make her family happy (we all know when momma’s happy, everyone’s happy). I convinced her to let me drive in my SUV as I took her and the groceries to her house (this way her van would be at my house, and therefore she would have no excuse to stop our fun by leaving). I explained to her daughter, Lindsey what I had in store for her mother. Lindsey knows all too well that Jenny works her ass off and never has fun, so she was eager to get her mom out of the house, so she put the groceries away while Jenny waited in the car. And I must say, I practically had to force Jenny in the car so Lindsey and I would do all the work by putting the groceries away.

Afterwards, I took Jenny to Zales and bought her a solitaire pair of diamond earrings, which ran about $500. When she saw the pricetag, she turned as red as a beet and said, “Oh no, I couldn’t.” She was completely overwhelmed. Eventually she put the earrings in her ears and looked in a mirror and almost instantly, she beemed with this confident glow and her whole posture changed. She walked out of the store wearing the earrings and for the rest of our time together, she had a smile on her face. Amazing what a pair of earrings can do to raise one’s spirits. Then we went to a bed store in the mall and tested the Sleep Number beds where she sank into the bed and just let herself go. She looked so happy, she just radiated! Doing something spontaneous (and without the kids) was a completely new thing for her. The whole experience was like taking a fish out of water. Then we went to Macy’s and tried on perfumes and I got her some makeup - which brought out her complexion and enhanced her smile. This only made her smile more when we left. She was completely blown away and profusely thanked me (just as I had done with Barbara) and it brought back wonderful memories. Then we went to Barnes n Noble, where I taught her the art of enjoying herself without feeling the need to shop. Just the act of sitting down, reading a good book, smelling the coffee and tea, and just sinking into a plush seat — I even picked out a book for her which ended up being the *perfect* book to read. For 30 minutes, she sat and read (and I read a book about Shamanism, a topic I knew nothing about previously). She later told me that those 30 minutes were the ONLY 30 minutes she had ever spent just being enwrapped in a book. She said in the past, she would have been thinking about where she needed to be, what needed to be done, what needed to be accomplished. She said she let all that go. I was so happy to see her let all the stress disappear! Then we went to Bloomingfoods where I let her try some vegan chocolate which she was pleasantly surprised to discover how delicious it was!

So keep in mind, at this point… she has experienced 4 out of 5 senses. Sight: the earrings, the makeup, the book. Touch: the sleep number bed, the makeup, the comfortable chair, the book. Taste: the vegan chocolate and other foods. Smell: the perfume, the coffee, the tea, etc.

But she hadn’t yet experienced sound. So I asked her to close her eyes and for the 20 minute ride home to just listen. Listen to the road. Listen to the tires on the road. Listen to cars passing by. Listen to the sound of the blinker. Listen to the cd player playing John Lennon songs softly in the background. And for 20 minutes, we sat silently (but without real silence) listening and concentrating on the most abstract sounds and realizing how beautiful it became in our worlds.

When we arrived at my home, I pulled up beside her van and she opened her eyes. She had just experienced a full-body mental AND physical relaxation from just 3 hours of getting away from working. She said many times that she was truly grateful and how honored she was, etc. And she looked and me and said, “How can I ever repay you?” And I said to her almost unconsciously, “When the time is right, you’ll do the same thing for someone else.”

When we first left together, she was exhausted, tired, drained, and reluctant. As I said goodbye to her, I saw someone full of energy, beauty, and confidence and she said she was so very grateful that I made her do this. She admitted she should have done it a long long time ago.

That felt really good. Sometimes giving to others really is better than receiving.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxo

Advice

Published on November 29, 2007 in Journal posts. 36 Comments

I have a question and welcome any opinions, whether positive or negative. As some of you already know, when it comes to politics, I consider myself Independent. I think becoming faithful to a party opens oneself up to accepting otherwise bad issues just for the sake of loyalty. That being said, I don’t really affiliate myself with any party. In the past, I’ve voted for a combination of democrats, republicans, and many “other” categories depending on the issues they supported (or didn’t support). My most important issues are gay rights, human rights, animal rights, and health care. Other topics are very high of importance too, but rights, in general - along with liberty, equality, and freedom of speech are also very high.

Now that I’ve explained a little about my stance, here is where my question comes in. Over the last several months, I’ve received numerous emails from customers (yes customers *blink*) who have requested I produce a hypnosis recording or video giving suggestions and commands to go to a voting booth and cast a specific vote. When I first heard the suggestion, I thought, Hmmm that could be interesting and could be fun! But I doubt anyone will take me seriously. However, I’ve now received over a dozen separate requests to do so. Should I do an mp3 or video, I may say some funny stuff like, “Vote for Hillary cause vagina controls you.” Or “Vote for Obama cause you know you’re craving a big black cock.” Or “Vote for Guiliani cause he’s a big dork just like you and well, don’t you want to be in office?” Or “Vote for Fred Thompson and then give yourself a round of applause for not remembering why.” — that type of stuff. So obviously, the hypnosis would be more tongue-in-cheek than “real hypnosis” and would be only for entertainment purposes.

The question is… would it actually be stupid to do? Or do you think it would be entertaining with the possibility of actually working? Is it worth doing? I’ve always heard people say - avoid topics of religion and politics. I crossed the line with religion a LONG time ago in my recordings and they turned out to be best sellers (having people worship Me, calling Me God, creating the universe with My bare hands, etc.). But what about politics? Is that too extreme? Or is it something worth considering?

And if I *did* do it… should I make it serious with a confirming voice? Or more relaxed with a humorous tone? Should I suggest people vote for someone ridiculous for the sake of a laugh? Or suggest people vote for someone whom *I* would actually cast a ballot? There are so many ways this could be taken. Normally I would have just shrugged off the suggestions to make such a production, but now I’m thinking of the possibility of actually making a small impact on the country (even converting one voter, to me, is an impact). Who knows, I might even make a video and spread it all over youtube and cause a bit of a ruckus.

All comments welcome.

Thank you!

Christmas lights

Published on November 28, 2007 in Journal posts. 5 Comments

First of all I want to thank everyone who commented in my previous entry, I haven’t responded to anyone but it means a lot that you all were so encouraging and offered such wonderful advice. I truly appreciate it.

I successfully completed was my first day of eating vegan food for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks! I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. I even ate a slice of vegan chocolate cake and a yummy brownie with ice cream. I had no idea that stuff like that could be made without milk and sugar. How cool! And so delicious! And I’ve never been a big fan of soy, but for some reason - everything soy I ate today was scrumptious. It was like I *wanted* to like it, so I did. I even ate my first tofu sandwich. Now keep in mind - I’m the same girl who spit tofu out of my mouth a year ago because I mistook it for styrofoam. Wow was I wrong. That shit is good. Anyway I did have an interesting craving for milk when I ate the brownie (gotta have milk when eating cookies or brownies), however, I downed a glass of soy milk and it filled the craving nicely. I wasn’t sure what soy milk to buy, so I bought 5 types: plain, vanilla, chocolate, egg nog, and unsweetened. So far I like the plain, chocolate, and egg nog. I haven’t tried the others yet.

I must admit, I spent far more on this food than any food in the past. My grocery bill ended up running over $500. But then again, I bought even things like vegan condiments and stuff cause I completely threw out everything else. And the stuff I *haven’t* thrown out yet are in bags for Jenny to get when she comes over. I’m also trying to lower my sugar intake (and that includes aspartame, high-fructose syrup, and a ton of others) so my body can get rid of all the bad toxins and stuff.

The energy I felt today was out of this world. Seriously. I wanted to get up and move! The last week or so, I’ve been kind of lethargic and haven’t worked out or anything (which is highly unlike me) but today was insane! I just HAD to exercise. So instead of working out in the gym, I did unplanned activity by hanging up christmas lights all over the house. I even hung up a beautiful wreath with lights on the front door and put about a dozen lit candy canes along the edge of the sidewalk. I still have many more things to put outside, like snowflake lights, and I still have yet to line the staircase with white lights. But I’ll do that later. Here are some photos so you can see how it turned out.

Can you see John Holmes the Porn Cat camouflaged in two of the photos? (Hint: He’s actually in the same spot in two photos)

Love
Isabella
xoxoxox

Winter pics and veg lifestyle

Published on November 26, 2007 in Journal posts. 12 Comments

Today at Barnes n Noble, I decided to browse the bestseller section. I grabbed a book called “Skinny Bitch” because I liked the title. It’s a book about getting healthy and is very “tough love” and says stuff like, “You’ll never be a skinny bitch if you eat like a fat ass. Get off your lard ass and exercise or you’ll stay fat forever.” Stuff like that. *blink*

Halfway through the book, it started mentioning vegetarianism and how healthy it is for you and I was like, yeah yeah. So what. But then it started talking about the cruelty done to animals and got so specific that I lost my lunch and puked in the bookstore bathroom. If I am what I eat, I don’t want to be a “dead, rotting corpse” which essentially, is what meat is. I bought the book and five minutes later I was at a health food store stocking up on vegan food. My whole refrigerator is vegan right now and I’ve tossed out everything I own in my whole house that isn’t healthy.

Starting tomorrow morning, I am going to give up all dairy and meat (of all animals). Ironically, I had cheese, tuna, lobster, and egg nog today - so I’ll start tomorrow. I hope I can give it up cold turkey (pardon the pun) but even a gradual shift to get off of it will be good too. I’ve never been a vegetarian or a vegan and this is very new to me, but I’ve just been exposed to the “real world” of slaughterhouses and there is no way in the world I can continue to support that. I mean, I’ve known what happens to chickens (and it’s horrible) but I still continued to eat them because I figured, hey - I’m on the top of the food chain, who cares? But after seeing (and reading) what happens with chickens, turkeys, cows, pigs, etc… it truly makes me sick to my stomach. And all that stuff I was putting into my body is so harmful (and fattening) that I don’t see how it benefits people. Sure, meat tastes good. But some alternative meat stuff tastes good too. I don’t see why I couldn’t try out the veg lifestyle and see how my body handles it.

I feel guilty knowing all the leather products I’ve purchased - mostly for bondage. I’m tempted to throw away all my expensive leather purses (or at least give them away). But is it wrong of me to want to keep my leather BDSM stuff? I mean, I know there are non-leather alternatives, but they don’t have the “sting” or the bite when hitting people. Perhaps I’ll just stick with what I have and stop buying more products with that. Leather corsets? Fuck I’ll miss them. But at least I can wear latex or vinyl instead. I don’t know if this will be a permanent decision or not, but the way I’m feeling right now, I’m pretty adamant about it.

I suppose this may sound like a pretty dramatic lifestyle change, and truth be told, I’ve often rolled my eyes at other people who stopped eating meat cause I thought they were pussies or tree-huggers. But I swear, after reading and watching some of the stuff I’ve seen, I feel the only way to stop animal cruelty is if I stop buying the products. We all know that money controls the industry. And for each person that goes veg, that saves the lives of 90 animals a year. 90! Sheesh. Count me in. I look at my kitty cat, John Holmes, and when I think of the possibility that people will sit on his body for the hell of it just to watch it’s intestines pop out of his anus - it disgusts me. And yet, workers do that to turkeys all the time. The stuff I read, really, truly, made me lose my lunch. I even watched it happen on video (at goveg.com) and… wow. I am speechless.

The only thing that concerns me is that for over a year, I’ve been on the Jenny Craig diet. I really want to maintain the diet I am on because it is *working* for me. The next time I go in, I’ll see if they have any vegetarian or vegan alternatives. I really really hope they have something I can work with or else I may have no choice but to get off of it. For someone like me who has lost a dramatic amount of weight eating Jenny Craig products, that’s a pretty big statement. If I do stop the program, I hope they’ll help me maintain a healthy diet after leaving.

Special thanks to Mistress Lycia for buying me this shirt for my birthday!

Love
Isabella
xoxoxo

P.S. Later this week, I’m going to go to my first AA meeting. I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, but I do have a problem when it comes to social drinking. I rarely drink, but when I do, it gets way out of hand.

Fuck new years resolutions. I’m starting my resolutions early.

Escape

Published on November 26, 2007 in Journal posts. 3 Comments

It’s been a month since I’ve released a recording, but I wanted my first mp3 (with a master certification) to be something really special, so I spent extra time on it.

The mp3 is titled “Escape” but it’s not necessarily the definition of escape we are all used to. Instead of “running away” from something, this teaches the art of “running to” something. While I was in Hawaii, I experienced a personal escape that is practically impossible to describe. Everything around me feels beautiful now and I feel a personal growth that truly cannot be put into words. But this mp3 sort of reflects a small portion of what I feel and I hope others can benefit from it.

Instead of charging $35 for it, which is the price of most of my other recordings, I’m releasing it at $19.97 for a short time (until Dec. 1st and then will resume regular price). This way people who don’t have as much money can experience it.

The whole point of the mp3 is to make you feel incredible - perhaps even feel an out-of-body experience. Whatever you hope to get out of it, you can achieve.

It’s designed for both men and women and a longer description of the recording can be found here.

Free sample available here

Love
Isabella
xoxoxox

P.S. Ironically, I just finished reading a book titled “Escape” by Carolyn Jessop. I suppose the main difference being I’m not a 4th wife who just left her husband and large family of 36 kids. (She did leave with 8 of them which were her own and sadly, one girl, Betty, returned back home to the FDLS lifestyle). The book was a true story and really blew my mind. Thank you for the sweetheart who bought it for me. It was a page turner and I was truly on the edge of my seat the whole time.

Thank you

Published on November 23, 2007 in Journal posts. 2 Comments

I am so thankful for all the wonderful packages and gifts I received when I came back home! How flattering that so many of you thought of me while I was away. I am truly honored. Thank you. As promised, here are some photos of some of the items I received:

Love
Isabella
xoxoxo

P.S. Slaveboy and I have decided to reschedule our meeting date by a few days since I heard him hacking with a terrible cough into the phone and the last thing I need is to lose my voice ;) Now I can focus on making some new recordings, which so many of you have been patient in hearing! It’s been a month since my last recording, so I thank you all for sticking around while I get settled again.

Also slave m and I are discussing the possibility of spending Christmas together. I’m quite excited about seeing him again :-)

Slavery vs. Submission

Published on November 23, 2007 in Journal posts. 1 Comment

I took the liberty of writing a new article for my website titled, “Slavery vs. Submission” since there often seems to be a high level of confusion focused around the subjects. I did my best to convey the global interpretation of the two and used words like “usually” and “often” since obviously no relationship can be stereotyped.

I hope some of you find the article insightful. If there’s something I failed to mention or something you think should be added, feel free to let me know. I welcome your ideas.

Read the article here:

“Slavery vs. Submission” by Isabella Valentine

Love
Isabella
xxoxoox

Happy Thanksgiving!

Published on November 22, 2007 in Journal posts. 7 Comments

I wanted to do something special for my customers this year but since I’m still too jetlagged to make any recordings (and my mic and other equipment is still in my luggage), I figured I’d do the next best thing and take some sexy shots of myself. It’s pretty tricky trying to angle the tripod and lens just right to do self-portraits, but hopefully these will be ok. Soon, one of my potential boy slaves will spend some time with me in my home and we’ll see if we hit it off. If we do, then I’ll ask him to move in and I’ll continue my search for a slavegirl (or submissive girl is cool too). That being said, if he moves in with me, then you all will finally see more versatile photographs of me cause someone else will be manhandling the camera. During my time in Hawaii, a fellow student asked, “Why don’t you look for an equal instead of someone submissive? Surely you’ll have better luck.” My response was simple: I want a girl I can protect, someone I can care for and give her every part of me. I get sexual fulfillment having control over someone else that is often hard to put into words… and I don’t want to walk the easy route to find her. Usually the most compatible partners are extremely rare and hard to find (and in most cases, taken).

Searching for a slavegirl reminds me of a secluded beach I went to recently… I drove over what reminded me of a different planet because as far as I could see, all I saw was lava rock, asphalt, and black stones. After 15 minutes of a rough and bumpy ride, I arrived at a beautiful oasis. A gorgeous paradise. A secluded beach. If this same beach were anywhere else, then it would have been overwhelmed with tourists, vendors, gas stations, and hotels. Less than a handful of people walked the beach - they knew the hidden secret. The location was a diamond in the rough. My search for a slavegirl is perhaps similar to that. I’ve had a bumpy ride and hit many obstacles along the way, however I am confident that my ride will end one day and I’ll reach that special place when the two of us finally meet. I want a slaveboy as well as a slavegirl and it appears I *may* have found my slaveboy but first we’re going to spend a week together to see how compatible we are. Having a boy slave fulfills a huge desire of mine to always have someone with whom I can assign tasks, labor, and all the stuff I don’t really want to do. But when the right female wears my collar, our connection will include the best of all worlds: romance, trust, affection, communication, and loyalty. I’m willing to wait for the right one, because as we’ve all learned, sometimes the best ones can be hard to find, or perhaps people often find what they’ve been searching for when they stop looking for it.

In the meantime, here are some photos. Actually, this is the same shirt I was referring to in the previous entry about the Zales girl. Happy Thanksgiving!











Love
Isabella
xooxox

P.S. Thank you so much to everyone who sent generous gifts and packages while I was gone. I am completely overwhelmed with some of the items I received and am TRULY blown away and flattered. Sometimes I really don’t think I deserve all of it… I’ll post some photos of the gifts in a later entry.

to flirt or not to flirt

Published on November 21, 2007 in Journal posts. 6 Comments

So yesterday evening I went to Zales to pick up a repaired ring and the jewelry associate commented on my nice shirt and said, “Oh wow our shirts give us the same type of cleavage!” And of course, I beamed bright and red and smiled and looked down at my breasts and then at hers and I said, “Yeah but I think my bra is poking through a little bit.” And she looks down at her breasts and jiggles them a bit and says, “Yeah well sometimes mine does that especially when I move around a lot. I like the way your shirt fits yours cause your cleavage just looks so perfect there.” After she said that, I figured this would be the PERFECT time to lay one on her. So I said, “Oh trust me, honey your tits are gorgeous if I must say. And your cleavage is fucking hot! I could just grab em right now. Damn.”

And immediately after I said that, she so INNOCENTLY blurted, “Oh that’s so sweet! Now if only someone else would say that to me.”

Ouch. What am I? Chopped liver? LOL Boy is she missing out.

Funny thing is, as soon as she said it, she immediately realized I was totally hitting on her and she immediately turned it into an issue with boys/boyfriends/etc and how no men comment on her tits. Still, she spent 30 minutes trying to make it up to me and needless to say she convinced me to buy another piece of jewelry.

LOL It’s all good. It’s a good thing I love myself and therefore hearing a comment like that only makes me laugh. Girls like her are TOTALLY missing out. She seems to need some sort of external validation to feel beautiful and that only makes me sad for her. You gotta love yourself before others will.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxo

Back home!

Published on November 20, 2007 in Journal posts. 4 Comments

I had such an amazing time in Hawaii, but I must admit I am so happy to be home. The minute I opened the door, I could hear John Holmes the Porn Cat meowing up a storm. Poor kitty was so lonely he was doing that low-growl moan for weeks (according to my maid, Jenny, who fed him while I was gone). Now I can’t seem to stop petting him. A part of me wants to go to the grocery store and shop for much needed food since the fridge is empty… and the other part of me wants to stay home and pet him and never leave again. I guess it’s time for another parts integration ;)
On another note, the photo editor of MAXIM Magazine in Belgium saw one of my photos on Flickr and asked for permission to publish one of the photos I shot of Scar for an upcoming issue. I sent in the high-res version of the requested photo after he patiently waited for my vacation to end. What an honor to have a photo published in such a kick ass magazine! All the photos I shot of fetish and pin-up models were more of a hobby than anything, but lately it seems people really dig em.

I’ve uploaded over 150 photos to this link from my time in Hawaii… enjoy!

Special thanks to Wayne for shooting these pics:

See tons of more photos here

Love
Isabella
xoxoxo

Hawaiian volcano

Published on November 18, 2007 in Journal posts. 6 Comments

Today my friend Georjean and I went to Volcano National Park to see the volcano here on the Big Island and the view was absolutely tremendous! In the photos shown below, we are overlooking large craters and although not shown, there were hundreds of steam vents. On the opposite side of the crater, hot lava pours into the ocean (which we didn’t have time to see, but there’s always next year). We could feel an immense amount of heat in the air and the energy was thick — and also felt many tremors. The smell was unforgettable. I never figured a volcano would have “a smell” but it did and left everyone coughing because it was practically impossible to breathe. I’m not sure if it was the smell of sulphur (someone said it is hydrogenized sulfide or something) or magnesium (if you know, feel free to discuss!) but for these shots, I had to hold my breath as long as I could. It was breathtakingly beautiful and reminded me somewhat of the grand canyon. So many beautiful areas of Hawaii that are unforgettable… secluded beaches, beautiful volcanos, craters, black lava rock… wow… having such a blast out here.

Tomorrow morning I fly back home and will arrive early on the 19th. I dread the jet lag. I will sincerely miss this place. It brought out a side of me I didn’t realize I had. What an amazing time. Afterwards we had pasta at Rio’s in downtown Kona and listened to live bands. I’ll miss all the live music here in Hawaii: everything from Hawaiian chants, to ska and reggae music, to cover bands, to guys playing banjos and ukuleles…

Also today we burned our boards (the obstacle/outcome boards) and tossed the ashes into the ocean, an ancient Hawaiian tradition… then made an offering at the volcano.

Special thanks to Georjean for shooting these shots:

Here are two shots at Rio’s:

And here is a (photoshopped per her request) photo of Georjean:

Love
Isabella
xoxoxoxxo

So much fun

Published on November 16, 2007 in Journal posts. 4 Comments

Here’s one of many photos. In this pic, I am telling a fellow student what he can feel if he were to experience erotic hypnosis. Oh wow, what a color shift! Check out his face getting red!! I love it hehe…

If you want to see more photos from today, check this out:

Click here to see many more pics

Love
Isabella
xoxoxo

P.S. Tomorrow is my last day in Hawaii - class is now over, but tomorrow I’m going up to a volcano to make an offering. I leave for home the day after tomorrow :) Thanks for being so patient with email responses and thanks for your support while I’ve been gone! I miss you all (sincerely)… and wish some of you were with me!

Graduation Day

Published on November 16, 2007 in Journal posts. 12 Comments

Woohoo… today I’m officially a Master Practitioner of Clinical Hypnotherapy, NLP, and Time Empowerment! Woohoo!

I can’t wait to utilize all I’ve learned! I went there thinking I would just learn more stuff to be educated to use on others, but WOW, I learned so much about myself in just 3 weeks that I almost FEEL like a different person. I’ve decided that within 12 months or so, I’ll sell my house (or rent it out) and buy a place in Vegas and set up my own private practice and eventually train and certify people (male and female) how to be hypnodommes or how to empower others using erotic hypnosis. It’s been my dream to help people through hypnosis to uncover their sexual fetishes and experience personal breakthroughs in relationships and/or issues related to sex (or just to make one’s sexual life better - and don’t we all want that?). Anyone wanting help in sexual abuse or trauma, I’d refer out to other people simply because it’s not an area I feel comfortable in (and have little experience and knowledge in those areas and it’s just not ecological or ethical for me to take on those clients so I’d end up referring them to others)… however, I’ve learned such a great deal with how to release negative emotions and how to change values, strategies, and so much quantum linguistics - I feel like I could scream :) woohoo :) Me = happy girl.

Master Practitoners:

Love
Isabella
xoxoxo

Full Body Catalepsy

Published on November 16, 2007 in Journal posts. 4 Comments

Hope you don’t mind if I share one of the photos taken of one of my hypnotic subjects. Here is one of many people I hypnotized this week… someone thought it would be cool to snap a photo when she went rigid and stiff.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxox

More pics - hawaii

Published on November 14, 2007 in Journal posts. 6 Comments

So much going on — so much I want to say… will write later… here’s some photos for now, heading back to class :)

Love
Isabella
xoxoxoox

Photo post

Published on November 9, 2007 in Journal posts. 19 Comments

Today was our one day off from class and coincidentally this is my 3rd journal entry today (I swear, it’s like I just want to share what’s been going on)… tomorrow I have to go back to class for another week so the entries will be spread out again, but in the meantime, here are some photos so far from my time here.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxox

Board Break

Published on November 9, 2007 in Journal posts. 4 Comments

Yesterday we did a board break in class, but to me the challenge wasn’t breaking the board itself, but deciding what to write on the board.

We were instructed to spend 7 days thinking of things to write on the front of the board to represent our “Outcome in Life” and what we know we can accomplish. On the back of the board we were supposed to write our “Obstacles in Life” that we want to move past. It was extremely difficult for me to think of my obstacles because I have such control issues that I really didn’t want to write/verbalize/admit I even HAD faults. The act of writing down the faults was therapeutic in itself.

When I broke the board, I thought to myself, “I am going to make a change in my life.” And I am. There may be times I stumble but I am going to give it all I’ve got. I am going to try my hardest to stop acting so damn tough all the time and admit that I have moments of weakness and vulnerability. That is so hard for me. It’s probably my hardest challenge of all.

This was the first time I had picked up a pencil to draw anything in over a year — and it felt sooooo good to feel inspired to draw again.

Here is the front of the board. (Click to Enlarge)

Here is the back of the board. (Click to Enlarge)

and here it is broken in half…

It was quite empowering. I would recommend anyone to do the same thing if you feel you need a boost in your life. It makes your goals and outcomes that much more clearer and lets you know that if you can break the board, you can break any obstacle that comes your way.

Love
Isabella
xoxooxox

P.S. This morning I got a letter from Maxim Magazine (Belgium) and they asked permission to publish a photo I took of model Scar. I haven’t given them an answer yet (and can’t send them the hi-res photo cause I’m not at home), but I was quite flattered by their inquisition. How neat!

Can you define beauty?

Published on November 9, 2007 in Journal posts. 9 Comments

Someone asked me a few days ago, “What makes a flower beautiful?” and my first response was, “The color.”

Then I was asked, “What makes a color beautiful?” and I had to really think. It’s been four days now since that question was asked and tonight I finally have the answer. Light.

Without light, we cannot see color and we are left in darkness, right? So what happens if we close our eyes and cannot see? Well, we have drops of lights that shine under our eyelids that move around and so light continues to exist. But what about inside black holes or in places where light becomes trapped? Is it still beautiful?

So if light = beauty… then what is darkness? Is darkness supposed to be the opposite of beauty? I thought about that really long and hard, because black is one of my favorite colors and darkness to can be extremely beautiful however, that’s not true blackness is it? After all, if we see something black, then our eyes are open, thus bringing in LIGHT… right? So — in essence, as long as we open our eyes, everything is beautiful.

Tonight I walked outside (today was our day off from class, so we had time to ourselves) and really made an effort to appreciate nature’s beauty. The sidewalk seemed beautiful as I noticed the cracks and the way the grass hits the edge of the concrete. The palm tree leaves that drip little droplets of water from the rain from earlier. The little lawn lights that line the sidewalk that allow us to see - as well as are beautiful. And I noticed the grass underneath the light that seemed to beautiful because it was LIT… and the further I walked away from the light, the less beautiful it became. So perhaps light IS beauty… or to me, it was.

I meditated out by the ocean late at night and appreciated the light of the insects that seemed to twinkle as they flew around, the sea turtles lit up often as well, glowing fish seemed to come alive, the lights from cruises and sailboats seemed to call out to me, the lights from nearby hotels and homes I could see from my perifial vision… I never really noticed the light before.

Light is everywhere. Well, except where light becomes trapped. So if a person becomes trapped, does THAT equal the opposite of beauty? If someone is in a cage and being dominated in darkness, can it still be beautiful? Yes… because there can still be sound.

So what if sound is taken away… can there still be beauty? At first my answer was no, but then I remembered Helen Keller saying that there is beauty in things you touch. And I remember times in the past where I would close my eyes and without hearing any sounds at all, have run my hands over a girl’s naked body or felt the moistness of her soft pussy and to me it was one of the most beautiful, intimate moments of my life. So obviously, TOUCH by itself can equal beauty.

Assuming that light is beautiful (any time we open our eyes), and sound is beautiful (ocean, whispers, words), and touch is beautiful (softness, hardness, texture, wetness) — then in essence, isn’t everything in the world beautiful?

So if EVERYTHING is beauty, then WHAT is it? Can beauty be defined? Is there such a thing or is beauty the word we describe about something when we finally reach that state of connection?

These photos are experimental shots taken at night.


Love
Isabella
xoxoxox

spirituality

Published on November 7, 2007 in . 0 Comments

I’m not sure where to start but I feel compelled to write this morning. The last couple days I haven’t really known what to say because I feel like some of my boundaries have expanded but I’m still not quite sure what I believe. I’ve grown rather close with some students in my class - and each of us are so incredibly different. Each one of us has amazing strengths in some areas and weaknesses in others and for some reason I am finally able to see the big picture so I can see myself objectively. For years I’ve rejected the idea of spirituality, souls, energy, etc because I am very much into science and believing the “proven” and things that have some sort of explanation.

I know it seems like I’m talking vaguely but bear with me cause I’m trying to use this journal to sort my thoughts at the same time. The thing is - I’ve always been a sexual person - an intensely sexual person — everything is sexual to me. The trees, the sky, people, things, it’s everywhere for me - sex is everywhere and a part of everything to me. But someone said to me, “Is sex your religion?” and I had to think about it for a little bit. Actually I thought about it a lot… a couple days now and I’ve finally come to the realization that sex has been my religion for years. And then I was asked, “Where does your idea of sexuality end and where does spirituality begin?” At first, that was extremely hard for me to grasp, especially since I didn’t believe in spirituality. It seemed hokey and stupid to me. When I think of spirituality, I think of all the ridiculous religions out there and some white bearded man in the clouds who hates people. Once I broke down that barrier, many things have seemed to come clear to me.

I can’t explain this right now cause I’m still in a state of trying to understand what my beliefs are. I do know that I’m a miserable person. I really am. I mean, yeah I have happy days where I am on top of the world… I have all the money I could ever need, all the material possessions a human being could ever want, have friends, success, a great career, and I know what my passions are… but even with all that… I have always felt like something was missing. Like a void. It’s not something I’ve really shared with people because I’m still working on my own issues of control. Oh yeah. I have serious control issues. I hate even admitting that sometimes. Sometimes I feel if I say things that are my faults, that somehow that makes me weaker as a person. I hate being seen as weak, small, humble, or vulnerable because I equate it with submissiveness, weakness, and just being less strong as a person. I LIKE being strong and tough… but the problem with that is that I usually wear this fucking mask that is designed to both protect me as well as others. It protects ME because I don’t have to worry about rejection. And it protects OTHERS because they won’t be subject to my harsh negativity.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. But I know what I’m feeling when I write this and that’s a start.

I felt something that I can’t explain. I don’t want to call it God because that’s just weird for me and I’m not ready to accept that. But I felt SOMETHING and it felt like electricity. And for the last two days I’ve become more and more in tune to it. It’s a “connection to source” where I just felt plugged into the world for once. For some people, that makes them laugh or roll their eyes, that’s ok, I still do it sometimes. And for other people, they sometimes get goosebumps as they think about the possibility of an anti-spiritual person accepting some sort of belief, even if it starts at baby steps.

Is there a such thing as accepting spirituality in baby steps? It seems to be happening to me.

Two nights ago, I remember lying in bed listening to the ocean and I said the word “God” out loud like 200 times just so I could say the word without twitching. It was very difficult to do, but I “pretended” that the existence of God (not the religious God, mind you - just the electric overall presence of it) and I figured I had nothing to lose to PRETEND. After all, anyone can pretend, right? I even tried replacing the word God with Jehovah or Allah but still felt pretty fucked up about it… so here’s what I did… please don’t laugh. haha. I closed my eyes and asked my unconscious mind, If I’m uncomfortable with the word God, what would would I choose instead? And I just listened for a second and the first word that I thought of was “loa” which I had no idea what it meant. No clue. It was a word I made up and had never even heard it before. And when I said the word aloud and listened to the ocean, I felt my whole body go into catalepsy and felt paralyzed from head to toe. It was calm, but I didn’t know how to tell the difference between feeling being “still” to being “in tune” to spirituality. After all, how can someone KNOW if they don’t know what they’re looking for? The next day, out of curiousity, I typed in “loa” on wikipedia and was utterly shocked. It even means “love” in another language and is apparently an intermediary between people and gods. I mean how fucked up is that - that I came up with that word - a word I had never heard before — and it meant THAT. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Now… EVERYTHING reminds me of loa - “lords of acid” a sexual band, “law of attraction” - faith, and here in Hawaii apparently loa is part of the name of either one of the mountains or volcanos or something.

The next thing I am about to say was a surreal experience for me, but it may just seem stupid to some people. I listened. I really LISTENED to the sound of the ocean, which I could hear with the balcony door open in the room. And I said out loud (I don’t know why I said it, I just wanted to be proven wrong, I guess), “Loa or whatever this is, I want to hear… I want to feel… Let me see…” And as I said that, INSTANTLY the sprinklers outside came on and at first I saw it as a distraction and got annoyed but then I thought to myself, Didn’t I ask to hear? Maybe I should just shut up and stop arguing with myself and just listen for once. and the minute I stopped arguing and analyzing the coincidence of the sprinkler coming on, I felt — I really FELT my whole body being cleansed by the water from inside my body. I can’t explain it. It immediately put me into a sleep and I woke up 8 hours later.

When I woke up the next morning, I thought what I had experienced was silly, perhaps stupid so I kind of kept the experience to myself. But THROUGHOUT the DAY, I had at least 6 experiences similar to that. I could feel it just looking into people’s eyes or feeling a table or looking at a plant, a tree, or the ocean. And it was as though SOMETHING was trying to connect to ME. It felt like electricity, an energy, something. I feel kind of ridiculous just writing this out, but I guess that’s just something I have to deal with… but I felt it… and saw it… and heard it.

Today I’m beginning to think it’s all around me.

The last couple nights I’ve been hypnotizing other students to help their sex lives privately in my hotel room. Many of them are familiar with my Isabella Valentine persona, so they wanted to see how I could incorporate sex into hypnosis - as it was very new to them. I felt the presence of loa, god, energy, connection to source, whatever the hell you want to call it - each time I hypnotized a person. The transitions in their bodies and attitudes changed tremendously in such a short time. For the first time in my life, I physically saw transformations before my very own eyes based on words that I said and I feel utterly and completely inspired to do hypnosis and stuff to help people’s lives on a bigger scale. Not just domination - something bigger and deeper than that. This feeling - I can’t explain it, but it’s a feeling that once people experience it, there is no better thing in the world. No words. It transcends sex. It’s bigger and better than sex. When someone touches me now, my whole skin comes alive. When someone looks into my eyes, I see something more than just a pupil and an iris.

I never thought the day would come where I would write something like this. But I have. And that’s a giant step for me.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxox

P.S. There are earthquakes and tremors on this island every day. The other day I felt tremors and as the ground shook, my whole body went into this complete state of peace and bliss. Is it stupid that I feel I connect with the land out here? Shit. This is crazy but I’m going to stop fighting it because this feels wonderful.

spirituality

Published on November 7, 2007 in Journal posts. 10 Comments

I’m not sure where to start but I feel compelled to write this morning. The last couple days I haven’t really known what to say because I feel like some of my boundaries have expanded but I’m still not quite sure what I believe. I’ve grown rather close with some students in my class - and each of us are so incredibly different. Each one of us has amazing strengths in some areas and weaknesses in others and for some reason I am finally able to see the big picture so I can see myself objectively. For years I’ve rejected the idea of spirituality, souls, energy, etc because I am very much into science and believing the “proven” and things that have some sort of explanation.

I know it seems like I’m talking vaguely but bear with me cause I’m trying to use this journal to sort my thoughts at the same time. The thing is - I’ve always been a sexual person - an intensely sexual person — everything is sexual to me. The trees, the sky, people, things, it’s everywhere for me - sex is everywhere and a part of everything to me. But someone said to me, “Is sex your religion?” and I had to think about it for a little bit. Actually I thought about it a lot… a couple days now and I’ve finally come to the realization that sex has been my religion for years. And then I was asked, “Where does your idea of sexuality end and where does spirituality begin?” At first, that was extremely hard for me to grasp, especially since I didn’t believe in spirituality. It seemed hokey and stupid to me. When I think of spirituality, I think of all the ridiculous religions out there and some white bearded man in the clouds who hates people. Once I broke down that barrier, many things have seemed to come clear to me.

I can’t explain this right now cause I’m still in a state of trying to understand what my beliefs are. I do know that I’m a miserable person. I really am. I mean, yeah I have happy days where I am on top of the world… I have all the money I could ever need, all the material possessions a human being could ever want, have friends, success, a great career, and I know what my passions are… but even with all that… I have always felt like something was missing. Like a void. It’s not something I’ve really shared with people because I’m still working on my own issues of control. Oh yeah. I have serious control issues. I hate even admitting that sometimes. Sometimes I feel if I say things that are my faults, that somehow that makes me weaker as a person. I hate being seen as weak, small, humble, or vulnerable because I equate it with submissiveness, weakness, and just being less strong as a person. I LIKE being strong and tough… but the problem with that is that I usually wear this fucking mask that is designed to both protect me as well as others. It protects ME because I don’t have to worry about rejection. And it protects OTHERS because they won’t be subject to my harsh negativity.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. But I know what I’m feeling when I write this and that’s a start.

I felt something that I can’t explain. I don’t want to call it God because that’s just weird for me and I’m not ready to accept that. But I felt SOMETHING and it felt like electricity. And for the last two days I’ve become more and more in tune to it. It’s a “connection to source” where I just felt plugged into the world for once. For some people, that makes them laugh or roll their eyes, that’s ok, I still do it sometimes. And for other people, they sometimes get goosebumps as they think about the possibility of an anti-spiritual person accepting some sort of belief, even if it starts at baby steps.

Is there a such thing as accepting spirituality in baby steps? It seems to be happening to me.

Two nights ago, I remember lying in bed listening to the ocean and I said the word “God” out loud like 200 times just so I could say the word without twitching. It was very difficult to do, but I “pretended” that the existence of God (not the religious God, mind you - just the electric overall presence of it) and I figured I had nothing to lose to PRETEND. After all, anyone can pretend, right? I even tried replacing the word God with Jehovah or Allah but still felt pretty fucked up about it… so here’s what I did… please don’t laugh. haha. I closed my eyes and asked my unconscious mind, If I’m uncomfortable with the word God, what would would I choose instead? And I just listened for a second and the first word that I thought of was “loa” which I had no idea what it meant. No clue. It was a word I made up and had never even heard it before. And when I said the word aloud and listened to the ocean, I felt my whole body go into catalepsy and felt paralyzed from head to toe. It was calm, but I didn’t know how to tell the difference between feeling being “still” to being “in tune” to spirituality. After all, how can someone KNOW if they don’t know what they’re looking for? The next day, out of curiousity, I typed in “loa” on wikipedia and was utterly shocked. It even means “love” in another language and is apparently an intermediary between people and gods. I mean how fucked up is that - that I came up with that word - a word I had never heard before — and it meant THAT. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Now… EVERYTHING reminds me of loa - “lords of acid” a sexual band, “law of attraction” - faith, and here in Hawaii apparently loa is part of the name of either one of the mountains or volcanos or something.

The next thing I am about to say was a surreal experience for me, but it may just seem stupid to some people. I listened. I really LISTENED to the sound of the ocean, which I could hear with the balcony door open in the room. And I said out loud (I don’t know why I said it, I just wanted to be proven wrong, I guess), “Loa or whatever this is, I want to hear… I want to feel… Let me see…” And as I said that, INSTANTLY the sprinklers outside came on and at first I saw it as a distraction and got annoyed but then I thought to myself, Didn’t I ask to hear? Maybe I should just shut up and stop arguing with myself and just listen for once. and the minute I stopped arguing and analyzing the coincidence of the sprinkler coming on, I felt — I really FELT my whole body being cleansed by the water from inside my body. I can’t explain it. It immediately put me into a sleep and I woke up 8 hours later.

When I woke up the next morning, I thought what I had experienced was silly, perhaps stupid so I kind of kept the experience to myself. But THROUGHOUT the DAY, I had at least 6 experiences similar to that. I could feel it just looking into people’s eyes or feeling a table or looking at a plant, a tree, or the ocean. And it was as though SOMETHING was trying to connect to ME. It felt like electricity, an energy, something. I feel kind of ridiculous just writing this out, but I guess that’s just something I have to deal with… but I felt it… and saw it… and heard it.

Today I’m beginning to think it’s all around me.

The last couple nights I’ve been hypnotizing other students to help their sex lives privately in my hotel room. Many of them are familiar with my Isabella Valentine persona, so they wanted to see how I could incorporate sex into hypnosis - as it was very new to them. I felt the presence of loa, god, energy, connection to source, whatever the hell you want to call it - each time I hypnotized a person. The transitions in their bodies and attitudes changed tremendously in such a short time. For the first time in my life, I physically saw transformations before my very own eyes based on words that I said and I feel utterly and completely inspired to do hypnosis and stuff to help people’s lives on a bigger scale. Not just domination - something bigger and deeper than that. This feeling - I can’t explain it, but it’s a feeling that once people experience it, there is no better thing in the world. No words. It transcends sex. It’s bigger and better than sex. When someone touches me now, my whole skin comes alive. When someone looks into my eyes, I see something more than just a pupil and an iris.

I never thought the day would come where I would write something like this. But I have. And that’s a giant step for me.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxox

P.S. There are earthquakes and tremors on this island every day. The other day I felt tremors and as the ground shook, my whole body went into this complete state of peace and bliss. Is it stupid that I feel I connect with the land out here? Shit. This is crazy but I’m going to stop fighting it because this feels wonderful.

Code Red

Published on November 4, 2007 in . 0 Comments

Today was day 3 of Master Prac NLP training and my brain already feels like it’s ready to explode. So much information and we’re just at the tip of the iceberg. One of the topics we discussed today involved filling out the Myers-Briggs test as well as a Spiral dynamics test involving values. In the Myers Briggs test, I scored “ENTP” with extremely high (off-the charts) for intuition and perceiving. Apparently I always like to see the big picture and rarely care about details and enjoy lots of spontaneity, flexibility, and lots of big ideas. Hmm nothing too surprising there.

But then… we had to fill out a values test and go over it. I thought, Woopee, this should be fun. Afterwards, I got my value scores and it turns out that I am WAY off-the-charts as a level 3 “code red” (score 61) which basically labels a person as being aggressive, dominant, controlling, one-man-show, etc. which can be a blessing as well as a curse. I was taught many ways in which it is good, as well as many instances where it would be bad. I think the bad outweighed the good. The funny thing is, the whole point of taking the test was so we could better understand not only ourselves, but how to reach out to our potential clientelle. I thought to myself, well it’s a good thing my clients are mostly submissive otherwise I’d be out of work.… I also scored very high in level 5 “code orange” (score 47) which emphasizes business, entreprenuership (sp?), and being able to break something just to fix it and make it better. Yeah, I can see that. But the bad thing is that in areas where I rejected things, I rejected level two completely - off the charts rejection which means I have zero tolerance for tribal, clans, spiritual/magical attributes where people look up to one leader… of any level (I scored a zero in acceptance and 66 on rejection of the concepts). And I scored a 24 in level “yellow” which was the category I personally think would benefit me more.

It was just so strange for me to be part of a class where all of us were so incredibly different and many of us were on so many various parts of the spectrum. This is possibly the 5th test I’ve taken so far (that describe more about who we are) and I am *always* one of the people on the opposite spectrum of the scorecard compared to most of the class. Obviously, this isn’t very rare because in every class - someone is going to take an opposite position to any particular level because we can’t all be the most extreme. So I just remember sitting there - knowing that just one or two seats from me, someone else sitting beside me had the opposite (polar opposite, mind you) score as me… and yet, we’re friends.

I found it questionable that people who have absolutely zero tolerance for certain behaviors/beliefs can still remain friendly with one another. Don’t get me wrong - it doesn’t mean we all agree. I started to get into a brief argument with one nice lady over dinner - but once I saw it was starting to hurt her feelings (we were talking about pedophilia and how much info to disclose to the law when in a therapeutic setting) that I changed the subject to something else. It was obvious we had different viewpoints and we were eating dinner, so sometimes a better topic makes everyone happy. Since I’ve been here, I’ve eaten lunch and dinner every day and night with a group of people (even on my birthday before training started) and each time we have a discussion, we all have these very very very very different points of view. Most of the time I am cringing on the inside, thinking to myself, these people are crazy but on the outside I am smiling and shaking my head. Every now and then I’d offer my viewpoint, often times their expressions would turn into - eyes widening, color change in faces, open mouths, etc. I don’t personally find my opinions to be THAT shocking, but apparently to the rest of the world, they can be. Thankfully this group of people seems to be very comfortable with who I am and what I do for a living and I can be MYSELF which I love. Half of the class already knows me cause we’ve trained before and the other half has already gotten to know me - so just in a few days, they’ve seen me wearing my lesbian shirts, corsets, chains, wigs, heard my foul mouth, dominatrix stories, etc. and everyone appears to be comfortable with my eccentric lifestyle and often inquire for more. So far, there doesn’t appear to be any judgemnt — perhaps disagreement. But no judgement.

I can agree that my position on many subjects will differ from many people, perhaps even piss them off - which is why, frankly, I work alone - am successful alone - and AM alone. I may not understand the position other people take most of the time, but I can agree that once I learn how to understand the art of communicating to those people (who disagree with me) more, then I’d probably have better luck getting my way. It’s funny because on my test, I scored basically everything that points to the fact I belief life is all about me, me, me. I hate teamwork and find I can get more accomplished with more successful results when I do it alone. I get more satisfaction with internal praise than hearing it from other people. It’s true. I feel much more capable of accomplishing a task when I do it alone than with other people. Other people tie me down and I hate that. Rules and regulations annoy me - I hate the law. I’m not too big on the planet or caring about global stuff as I am about me. Sometimes I help out other small charitable organizations or do kind things for the environment, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, it’s all about me and I put myself before others.

One of the questions asked in a seperate verbal test was, “Someone says, ‘I’m thirsty.’ What is your first reaction. Do you take it literally and get them something to drink? Or do you ignore them and find it amusing?”

My response was, “I’d tell them to go get me a glass of water instead and they can stay thirsty.”

I said that aloud on instinct and after I said it, realized that perhaps that could be the reason I do so well as a Domme, and perhaps that’s ALSO why I do so poorly in friendly relationships with people. It’s a blessing and a curse.

For some people, that just makes me seem like a royal bitch, perhaps narcissistic (sp?), selfish, uncaring, and a loner. The thing is - I don’t hate people. I just like me better. Does that make sense?

Today was insightful. I have a lot of work to do on myself apparently.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxox

Code Red

Published on November 4, 2007 in Journal posts. 4 Comments

Today was day 3 of Master Prac NLP training and my brain already feels like it’s ready to explode. So much information and we’re just at the tip of the iceberg. One of the topics we discussed today involved filling out the Myers-Briggs test as well as a Spiral dynamics test involving values. In the Myers Briggs test, I scored “ENTP” with extremely high (off-the charts) for intuition and perceiving. Apparently I always like to see the big picture and rarely care about details and enjoy lots of spontaneity, flexibility, and lots of big ideas. Hmm nothing too surprising there.

But then… we had to fill out a values test and go over it. I thought, Woopee, this should be fun. Afterwards, I got my value scores and it turns out that I am WAY off-the-charts as a level 3 “code red” (score 61) which basically labels a person as being aggressive, dominant, controlling, one-man-show, etc. which can be a blessing as well as a curse. I was taught many ways in which it is good, as well as many instances where it would be bad. I think the bad outweighed the good. The funny thing is, the whole point of taking the test was so we could better understand not only ourselves, but how to reach out to our potential clientelle. I thought to myself, well it’s a good thing my clients are mostly submissive otherwise I’d be out of work.… I also scored very high in level 5 “code orange” (score 47) which emphasizes business, entreprenuership (sp?), and being able to break something just to fix it and make it better. Yeah, I can see that. But the bad thing is that in areas where I rejected things, I rejected level two completely - off the charts rejection which means I have zero tolerance for tribal, clans, spiritual/magical attributes where people look up to one leader… of any level (I scored a zero in acceptance and 66 on rejection of the concepts). And I scored a 24 in level “yellow” which was the category I personally think would benefit me more.

It was just so strange for me to be part of a class where all of us were so incredibly different and many of us were on so many various parts of the spectrum. This is possibly the 5th test I’ve taken so far (that describe more about who we are) and I am *always* one of the people on the opposite spectrum of the scorecard compared to most of the class. Obviously, this isn’t very rare because in every class - someone is going to take an opposite position to any particular level because we can’t all be the most extreme. So I just remember sitting there - knowing that just one or two seats from me, someone else sitting beside me had the opposite (polar opposite, mind you) score as me… and yet, we’re friends.

I found it questionable that people who have absolutely zero tolerance for certain behaviors/beliefs can still remain friendly with one another. Don’t get me wrong - it doesn’t mean we all agree. I started to get into a brief argument with one nice lady over dinner - but once I saw it was starting to hurt her feelings (we were talking about pedophilia and how much info to disclose to the law when in a therapeutic setting) that I changed the subject to something else. It was obvious we had different viewpoints and we were eating dinner, so sometimes a better topic makes everyone happy. Since I’ve been here, I’ve eaten lunch and dinner every day and night with a group of people (even on my birthday before training started) and each time we have a discussion, we all have these very very very very different points of view. Most of the time I am cringing on the inside, thinking to myself, these people are crazy but on the outside I am smiling and shaking my head. Every now and then I’d offer my viewpoint, often times their expressions would turn into - eyes widening, color change in faces, open mouths, etc. I don’t personally find my opinions to be THAT shocking, but apparently to the rest of the world, they can be. Thankfully this group of people seems to be very comfortable with who I am and what I do for a living and I can be MYSELF which I love. Half of the class already knows me cause we’ve trained before and the other half has already gotten to know me - so just in a few days, they’ve seen me wearing my lesbian shirts, corsets, chains, wigs, heard my foul mouth, dominatrix stories, etc. and everyone appears to be comfortable with my eccentric lifestyle and often inquire for more. So far, there doesn’t appear to be any judgemnt — perhaps disagreement. But no judgement.

I can agree that my position on many subjects will differ from many people, perhaps even piss them off - which is why, frankly, I work alone - am successful alone - and AM alone. I may not understand the position other people take most of the time, but I can agree that once I learn how to understand the art of communicating to those people (who disagree with me) more, then I’d probably have better luck getting my way. It’s funny because on my test, I scored basically everything that points to the fact I belief life is all about me, me, me. I hate teamwork and find I can get more accomplished with more successful results when I do it alone. I get more satisfaction with internal praise than hearing it from other people. It’s true. I feel much more capable of accomplishing a task when I do it alone than with other people. Other people tie me down and I hate that. Rules and regulations annoy me - I hate the law. I’m not too big on the planet or caring about global stuff as I am about me. Sometimes I help out other small charitable organizations or do kind things for the environment, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, it’s all about me and I put myself before others.

One of the questions asked in a seperate verbal test was, “Someone says, ‘I’m thirsty.’ What is your first reaction. Do you take it literally and get them something to drink? Or do you ignore them and find it amusing?”

My response was, “I’d tell them to go get me a glass of water instead and they can stay thirsty.”

I said that aloud on instinct and after I said it, realized that perhaps that could be the reason I do so well as a Domme, and perhaps that’s ALSO why I do so poorly in friendly relationships with people. It’s a blessing and a curse.

For some people, that just makes me seem like a royal bitch, perhaps narcissistic (sp?), selfish, uncaring, and a loner. The thing is - I don’t hate people. I just like me better. Does that make sense?

Today was insightful. I have a lot of work to do on myself apparently.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxox