I’m not sure how to begin this journal entry because so much has happened this week, but you all know me for being honest, so here goes. And for God’s sake if my honesty is too intense for anyone, then take it up by praying for me.
For the last eight days, I’ve been hospitalized. Whether or not I was admitted voluntarily is up to debate, however slave m called 911 because I was behaving irrationally and unlike myself. I’m still not entirely sure what peaked my manic episode because nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I’m still not entirely sure what caused it.
What happened: I began hallucinating and seeing things. I heard voices not really there, saw objects that I magically produced from my own head. I stayed awake for over 3 nights without sleep and was convinced that I had become “God/source” and therefore didn’t need sleep. At one point I ran outside the house naked to convince friends of mine to come back inside. My mania got the most dangerous when I was convinced I could magically pave a road (that was under construction) and tried to convince someone to drive over it with me. Doctors and nurses described me as “goofy and euphoric” and it was clear that I couldn’t tell the difference between illusion and reality.
What caused it: It seems we all disagree on this. My psychiatrist in California thinks I had an allergic reaction to the pneumonia antibiotics and thinks my experience on the mountaintop in New Mexico must have triggered this. My mom thinks my high fever was directly responsible for frying my brain. The doctor assigned to me here in Indiana thinks I was on psychedelic drugs (if I was, I’d have no problem ‘fessing up - but I wasn’t). Slave m thinks it was due to my lack of sleep. And I, personally, think it’s because I reached an unheard of level of enlightenment mostly only reached by monks in Tibet. My faith, confidence, charisma, and insight shot off the charts for me. This started the night I began writing my “Masterpiece” hypnosis recording where I wanted to write the “most perfect recording” designed for myself, not for customers. In it, I was looking into a mirror and into a million universal mirrors. Needless to say, I didn’t get done with the recording because I kept ripping pages out and rewording it. The more I thought about what I wanted to write, the “crazier” I began to appear to people. In turn, the doctor diagnosed me as “bipolar manic” which I disagree with simply because I feel (unless I am mistaken) I have no previous history of such symptoms. Sure I’m a bit psycho - who isn’t? But I absolutely refuse to take meds for the rest of my life. My mom swears it was the fever and she thinks she knows me best. Regardless of what caused it, I definitely DID go crazy and had one bad manic episode where I created a Magic Kingdom for myself where I was God. Love became Me. My words were source flowing fluidly out of Me.
The experience: After the ambulance drove me to the hospital, the nurses helped me with everything - you name it - even urinating and getting dressed. Normally it would be embarrassing, but it was anything but. It was orgasmic and euphoric. One particular thought at the time, “Hey I’ve got people to help me with this sort of thing so what’s the point of doing it myself?” Being wheeled around on a stretcher felt like a roller coaster ride and many times I was hearing people’s voices within the fourth dimension. It was a borderline schizophrenic moment. Fantasy and reality began to mix into one another. The ceiling grew vines in front of my eyes in which I tried to grab. The nurse drew blood from my arm in which case I responded, “Take all the love you want out of my arm. I have more than enough for the whole world.” I’m telling you… I thought I was God. I still do, actually. I think we’re all God. But that’s a different journal entry. I was taken to the Crisis section and was videotaped and monitored for several days and took therapy and antipsychotic drugs to help me get back down to reality.
I’m still on meds now - and finally back home. It’s natural for me to wonder if I should continue writing the script to that Masterpiece recording that catapulted my craziness. Creating the perfect hypnosis recording (which would be given away freely without charge), would certainly connect thousands of people to Source… it also could quite possibly bring others to a psychotic place, in which case, there will be lots of disclaimers and fair warning for those who miss this entry.
According to conservative society, I went a little crazy. One part of me is thankful it’s over. The other part of me wants it to come back. Please understand that listening to any future recordings of mine may result in a skewed, yet more beautiful perspective of the world. Listen at your own risk. The world I see now is quite different than the world I saw a week ago.
Love
Isabella
xoxooxx
I went through an experience like this as well.. Mine was brought on by a broken heart financial hardship and, lack of sleep and, a cluttered soul. I wish you well.
Do you have a thyroid issue? Have you stopped taking your thyroid pills in the last few years maybe? The reason I ask is because untreated thyroid can sometimes lead to schizo like symptoms. My grandmother suffered this. I actually showed your blog to my mother… and she said that her mother did alot of the same things. I’m not health professional, but if you were treating your thyroid at one point.. then stopped… I’d maybe go back. Just. in. case.
I just wanted to add that I had a Thyroid issue at the time as well. I was diagnosed with Graves disease it can be brought on by many things mine was extreme stress.
These are not necessarily mutually exclusive scenarios - it probably was a manic episode and also revealed deep truth.
Sleep deprivation is a real factor here. My one manic experience (which had a erotic hypnosis component) was triggered by some jet lag coming back from Hawaii (I took the red eye back, and I can’t sleep on planes. I had stayed awake for something like 36 hours, and listened to an erotic hypnotic induction - which triggered four *very* interesting days).
Oddly my feelings of euphoria and calm happened after the manic erotic period. The interesting thing was my subconscious was still very much on the surface — I was getting instant intense emotional feedback from the body language of other people. And then it slowly receded.
It is not uncommon for manics to want get back to the manic state. The euphoria and energy are palpable.
The question is - can you function in a socially appropriate fashion in that state? In my manic period I was also functional - but barely.
A deep part of my interest in hypnosis is the question of whether I could use hypnosis to reliably move in and out of that state at appropriate times.
Be safe, but also be open to what you are experiencing.
One thing to add - from what I’ve read one theory behind manic episodes is they result from a dominance of the subconscious (or unconscious, depending on your terminology) over the conscious mind. The subconscious is more powerful than the conscious mind, which accounts for the incredible productivity manics have.
Reading your journal it strikes me that you have been accessing and surfacing your subconscious quite a bit over the last year or so. Perhaps you got to the point where a good thing became too much of a good thing.