I thought this dress had been given away to Goodwill but this afternoon saw it hanging in the closet and after some debate, decided to try it on. Remind me never to wear it again LOL. I know people always say “Get rid of oversized clothes” and I DO and HAVE and continue to. I had no idea I even had this. So when I saw the before photo I posted, I thought it might be interesting to compare side to side how my body has changed.

Remind me to throw this dress away. Notice I have my hands behind my back cause I’m trying to tighten the dress to show my figure. It’s practically 8-10 sizes too big and it literally fit me like a tent.

One thing I’ve noticed is my breasts. Do they look smaller to you? Here’s the thing. My bra band size is still practically the same (just not as tight). Maybe I was wearing the wrong size before. The most bizarre thing is that my actual cup size has gone down from a Double D to a D (and one person said “in between a C and a D”). My jaw dropped. I thought losing weight meant you lose the fat around your back and chest, not your breasts? I even had them measured by three different people at department stores. I’m still trying to get used to my new body. I haven’t been at this weight since late 1998. And once I lose 35 more pounds, I’ll be at my curvy high school weight (1997-98).

Lately I’ve noticed that when I tighten my neck, I actually get neck muscles. Like, those little vein thingies. I have a neck. Who knew?

And I’m still trying to get used to all the new attention. I mean, don’t get me wrong, people have always flirted with me and I’ve gotten compliments (even as a big girl)… but nowadays, it seems the “attracted audience” has expanded. The people that flirt with me tend to look better. It almost makes me realize how superficial people can be. Thankfully I have my head on straight and aren’t doing it for them. I never thought my weight was that big of a deal - which is how I got so big to begin with. I never thought of myself as “big” — just more of me to love. I didn’t even realize I arrived at my heaviest weight until I saw an unexpected self-portrait and didn’t recognize myself. That was a wakeup call. I knew if I lost weight, it would prevent diabetes and heart disease and some cancer, but that wasn’t what made me do it. I guess I just wanted to have a prettier figure, but my choice was made for me - not for anyone else - or to PLEASE anyone else. I’m doing this so I can masturbate looking at myself in the mirror and get off haha. Well ok, I do that already. But you get what I’m saying.

Another thing. And I know I’ve said this a million times (both in my written journal and audio blog) that it aggravates me when people say, “You must feel so much more confident now.” I mean, I hear this ALL the time from SO many people. It’s almost like people assume that if you’re a big person, you’re somehow less deserving of having confidence or that big people have low self-esteem. It’s rather insulting. Lots of large people love themselves (more power to them!). Even on the Tyra Banks show, a psychiatrist was comparing the lives between two sisters: an obese woman and a coke-addicted skinny girl and said out loud, “I can only assume you’re throwing up your food so you don’t grow up to look fat like your sister. You said you’re only doing this because the thinner you are, the more friends you have. So you’re saying if you’re skinny, you’ll continue to stay popular.” The skinny girl agreed. Then he looked at the big girl and said, “Wow you two are total opposites. I don’t know you’re current situation, but I assume you probably have less friends and are less popular which is why your sister fights so hard to not be big like you.” And of course, this insulted the bigger girl who replied with, “Hey I have lots of friends and a man who loves me. SHE is the one who struggles with self-confidence. That’s why she’s on coke and can’t keep her food down. I already realize I’m big, but that doesn’t mean you should assume I have less friends.”

It was nice to hear someone say that because I’ve been thinking that for years. Just because someone is big doesn’t mean they have less friends or have less self-love. Hell, I know THOUSANDS of people who claim to adore me and at least 300 people I consider “friends” and probably 10 “really close” friends. Even at my heaviest, I loved myself so much that I wanted to treat my body with anything I could. If it wanted something delicious, I would give it something delicious. If I wanted to give it a manicure, I’d give it a manicure. If I wanted to go to the spa, I’d get a massage or a pedicure. None of that has changed. I eat the SAME foods I ate before, just learned how to do it in moderation. I still have fun being me and still feel good about myself.

People often ask, “Wow you’ve lost all this weight, are you more confident about yourself now?” And I’ve always said, “I feel equally as confident. I was confident then and I’m just as confident now.” For some strange reason, that SHOCKS people. Most the time they even lean their bodies backwards or make a strange face as though they simply cannot believe it. I’ve come to believe this is because OTHER people have LOW self confidence and they somehow equate bigness with being their greatest fear. I’ve heard people say, “I’d rather be dead than fat.” And it shocks me. Being fat may cause health risks, but if being a corpse is better, then obviously they have unresolved mental issues. At least big person can exercise - a corpse can’t.

A few of my emails yesterday were pretty much along the same lines. One kind man with good intentions said something along the lines of (and I’m paraphrasing), “You must be more confident because your recordings are getting better and they’re more polished.” LOL that made me laugh too. I mean, confidence didn’t make my mp3s better. Earning 3 new certifications, including one in NLP made them better. I studied for 6 months to get that certification and in November I’m going for my Master in NLP. And yes, my recordings will KEEP getting better. Anyone who has heard Holy Goddess or The Apocalypse know how strong, powerful, and amazing those recordings were. And guess what? They were done at my heaviest weight. My confidence oozes out of them.

The only thing different between then and now is I’ve decided to work my beautiful ass into something skintight, short-n-skimpy, body flattering, and photographer-envying outfit. But whether I gain weight or lose weight is irrelevant to me. The truth of the matter is - I love myself, just like everyone should love themselves. Anyone who thinks they can only be confident if they get to a desired weight will never be happy. You have to love, appreciate, and respect yourself first. Skinny people get health issues too. It’s all about, “Does this treat my body well?” and doing it in moderation. Too much of anything can be harmful, even if it’s done for all the best intentions. I guess the difference is that I’ve learned the difference between moderation and overindulgence. But I wouldn’t necessarily call that confidence. I would call that awareness. Have I gained awareness? Hell yes. More than I ever thought possible!

*raises glass of water*

Here’s to awareness!!! May everyone be aware of themselves
*cheers*

Love
Isabella
xoxoxoox