It’s 6:36am and I can’t sleep. Tossing and turning in bed. I tried everything. Even went into the gym and worked out for two hours. Tried going into the sauna and sweating, and showering. Tried reading a book without glasses. Nothing is making me sleepy. I can’t get slave m out of my head. He is flying to visit me tonight and all I can think about is our time together. It’s driving me insane. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I start daydreaming or fantasizing about naughty things, which ends up exciting or arousing me instead of making me sleepy so I end up staying awake longer. Tried sleeping on his side of the bed, tried sleeping upside down, tried sleeping in a different room. I tried even taking a few pills to calm me down a little. This is killing me. All I can think about is counting down the hours and staring at the clock to see him, but I’ve been awake so long the sleep is starting to catch up to me. This always seems to happen to me when I don’t want it to. Why is this happening? I mean, I’m not nervous. I’ve already been with him. Why do I have butterflies in my stomach all over again? Why do I feel like a teenager with a crush? Why does my heartbeat so much faster when I hear his voice on the phone? Why do I toss and turn all over the bed just thinking about greeting him at the airport - why does it even affect me like this?

I swear, I’m not a sappy romantic. Hell, I haven’t even said the “L” word to him yet. That’s such an intimate phrase and so many people throw it around lightly without giving it much meaning. I’ve always been the kind of person who tends to show love rather than say the actual word. I show it in the way I act, the way I care, the way I give, the way I provide, the way I show concern, and appreciation. When I DO finally say the words to him, I’ll say it and say it often. He says it to me all the time and I can hear the genuineness in his voice when he speaks. It just feels so weird… with him being more of the romantic type…. and I’m the one tossing and turning… over HIM. It just makes me wonder if perhaps I’m just afraid of those words. Yes a little. Last night he and I had a little talk about our relationship and I was asking him if he REALLY wanted to be with me. (All the negative talk everywhere was really starting to get to me and I just wanted his reassurance.) And he said all the right things a woman wants to hear. It really touched me. He said things I’d never heard a person tell me before, not even my own husband that I was briefly married to years ago. He said things that made me feel not only loved, but as though I truly was the only woman who existed on the earth. I have never in a million years felt that bond with anyone. Never. I mean, I’ve had people tell me they love me, but it just felt like empty words. Or it felt like an obligation. Or it seemed like “the right time” to say it in the relationship. Or they would say the words and then be hopeful for sex or something (there’s men for you). But he didn’t just stop with the words. He didn’t follow it with sweet nothings either. He followed it with an oath of heartfelt honesty. It touched me so much…. that…. well…. I was left practically speechless…. and well…. frankly, I changed the subject on him and started talking about the news. (Bad me.) He wasn’t upset that I changed the subject. In fact, I think it kind of touched him because he was starting to see that his words DID reassure me and by me avoiding the conversation, he had touched a very sensitive and rarely seen emotion. I simply just didn’t want to continue the topic over the phone.

That’s part of why I can’t sleep. I want so bad to tell him he has my heart totally and completely (the way he has so verbally expressed given his heart to me). I want so badly to be able to do it. I keep picturing how I’ll say it or how I’ll do it or how it will come out. Will I stumble over my words? Will I start stuttering really bad like he does when he gets all nervous? I usually giggle and pick on him when he starts stuttering cause it’s so adorable. But if I do it, I’ll die of embarrassment if I lose my words, especially since he’s always seen me in such a commanding light.

He has my heart. He has HAD my heart. I just haven’t had the guts to tell him.
Love
Isabella
xoxoxoox