I am so pleased that I have such a beautiful group of customers who have stayed connected with me for so long. Sometimes I forget what it’s like from a different perspective. Most of the time, I forget to write people back via email due to time constraints. And other times I choose not to write people back because I know they’ll expect me to write them promptly or regularly all the time, which often I just don’t have the time or the motivation to do. So when I continually get letters from people (even when I fail to write them back), I am reminded of how lucky and privileged I am as a human being to have people who love to remain connected to me. I’d like to spend this journal entry just saying thank you to the people who write me. It’s a marvelous external validation to open my inbox and read letters from those who tell me their lives have changed either directly or indirectly in relation to the recordings I create. Sometimes I forget that my voice, my words… are worth such value to people. Times like today, I feel a deep connection to my fan base and all I want to do is give back. It’s not often I remind my clients they are special, but they are. I am the happiest woman in the world just knowing that there is at least *one* person out there that reads my journal entries. And to know that multitudes of people read my words is just icing on the cake. Nothing feels better than being loved, acknowledged, or wanted.

Sometimes at home, I struggle to maintain an image of excellence. Most times I succeed, but sometimes I fail. When I’m online, I have time to think before I write, which helps portray an image of excellence. So I can see why people are drawn to me online. There are times I wonder if the same people who are attracted to me online would equally be interested in me in real life. I crave connection all the time, and although I am in several current relationships right now (which is a big deal in itself)… I also want personal relationships with my clients. Most of my friends all agree it’s not the smartest idea to get too personal with clients. And I suppose anyone who reads this would also agree with it as well. Business relationships turning personal, in general, is a bad idea. But from a completely different perspective, sometimes I feel I’m willing to lose a little money just to connect to someone who puts me on such a big pedestal. There’s something magical about being worshipped in real life. The thing is… there are very few customers out there who have shared such personal things about themselves that make me trust them to invite them into my lives. Trust is my number one priority in all given relationships with people. Without it, there is nothing but a constant building of human connection. Sometimes I wish I knew more local people in which I could cuddle with. I have a couple cuddle partners but they’re involved sexually with other people and often times I feel I’m not enough. It’s both challenging as well as satisfying. I feel so many things.

The good news is that slave m is moving in with me in about 3 weeks which will be nice because I miss having a slave to beat. He brings the best out of me. I miss him very much. Our relationship is solid… the only thing that isn’t is our location. The constant moving in and moving out is aggravating at best. But when we’re together, our love is undeniable.

Also, I’ve lost 13 of the 15 pounds I’ve gained. The weight reduction is working. I like this very much.

I long for so many things. The anticipation of longing is often the worst part. I miss deidre. I miss her so much. I rarely talk about her in my journal because for the longest time she’s been connected in other intimate relationships and I didn’t want to be a jeopardizing factor. As long as she’s happy, I’m happy… which is why I’ve supported all of her previous relationships. Now she’s single, and I can’t help but think about her every waking minute of every day. I told myself the first day I met her that I’d wait up to 7 years to be with her. I’m still willing to wait another 5 and a half years. My gut tells me that one day we’ll be together. But are my instincts right? I hate the longing. I hate developing strategies sometimes. Patience is a virtue, I know. All I really want is to snuggle with her watching television. At this very moment, that’s all I want. Just to touch her. I miss her.

My relationships with Kasha and Xaenith are blossoming. It’s surreal. It’s a learning process. And my roommate Jenna is a bit mad at me for developing a relationship with Xaenith since she’s dating him too (actually so is Kasha). Jenna even hung up on me today which was maddening. This is why monogomous people shouldn’t be in poly relationships. Either shit or get off the pot, but don’t tell me to wait for you to decide. I don’t play that game. It hurt a great deal to be told, “I can’t believe he’d rather be with a lesbian than with me.” It was as though I was completely stereotyped in the worst possible way. I can self-identify as being a lesbian and still have intimate connections with men. I am attracted to mostly women, but many previous partners can testify that I have had long-lasting profound relationships with men. It just takes the right kind of man. *sigh* I better stop. What I really want to say is probably best discussed in my more private blog to avoid the hurting of feelings.

It’s easy to suppose that some people like me because I’m approachable and human, but also a Goddess. The problem is… sometimes I can be so realistically human that people see a new perspective of who I am. All it leads to is a deeper connection. Maybe that’s why I’m so grateful I have the customers I have. They’re friends, really. It’s beautiful. I’m thankful to be considered important in some people’s lives the way I consider some people important in mine.

I want to be in a relationship where I am my partner’s #1 and my partner is my #1. My mind is open to many ideas and I’ll know it when it lands in my lap. But I do long. I long for love in ways no one will ever know. I am in love with love and I know it. There are many different paths to love. I just want the destination.

Love
Isabella
xoxooxxo