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Tag Archive for 'relationships'

Photoshooting

Published on June 19, 2008 in Journal posts. 0 Comments

One thing I’ve learned in my short life is that if you’re not feeling loved… is to give love. It works. During my moments of hurt (which trust me, hurt quite a lot), I had to reach from a Rumi-Shams place. There in that beautiful nirvana is an infinite love that allows one to experience love regardless of their pain. It felt sooo good to give love knowing how I felt at the time. It felt oh so good to do it. And so therapeutic! Not only did it feel wonderful to give to those who I felt at the time betrayed me, but I think it somehow helped build a different and much-needed foundation for a newfound friendship. It also turned out that there was miscommunication, which often is the case, which led to me feeling lied to. The hurt lessened. Although the surrender-magic is still gone for me, the love is not. I cannot ever stop loving. I must love. I must love people. I must give myself. I must love others even if they hurt me. I must love. I must I must I must. It was so so so so hard to get over the obstacles to find that Rumi place. But once I got there, the love just started shining and damn if it doesn’t just start flowing out of me like a fountain. Say what you want about me, love me, hate me, but I don’t hold grudges. Never have. Never will. There’s too much too love in life and too much worth appreciating out there.

Yesterday Kasha and I spent nearly 12 or 13 hours (maybe longer with hair, makeup, and wardrobe changes) doing photoshoots for her website. Xaenith came over to watch and slave m helped out with some of the lighting and set design. Over the course of the next couple weeks, I’ll post some pictures of the finished products so you can see how magnificent she looks up close and personal.

In this particular blurry photo, you might notice my leg in the shot (I was trying to show my presence in the photo), as well as Xaenith leaning against the wall watching, as well as Kasha on the bed posing for shots. It isn’t the greatest of photos by any means and you can’t even really make out any faces… but I figured it would be cool to share a part of our 3-experience we had yesterday.

Isabella Valentine

The three of us are learning how to communicate better which I love, which shows me that we can overcome anything. Anything worth having takes time. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a baby and learning how to walk and don’t know anything. Sometimes I feel like I just don’t know… anything. Maybe everything I thought I knew… I really don’t know at all. Just when I think I understand and know people, I get it all wrong.

This is why it continually amazes me that my hypnosis-listeners look up to me. They actually think I say insightful stuff… when the truth is… times like this… I don’t know a damn thing. I’m clueless. About love. About communication. About… aaahAHAHahahhahahahaha…

All I do know is… I made the decision a long time ago that I’m a Goddess, so I refuse to be a ragdoll or a pin cushion for someone else’s pleasure. There are slaves for that. If someone is going to be cold to me, I will either be hurt by it or I will opt out of the relationship. Which leads me to the main question I get wrapped around and tangled with: how many moments of hurt must a person endure before they say: enough is enough - I want out?…… *sigh* I endured one. But it was one of the biggest hurts of my life. Why did it hurt so much, you ask? Because I wanted it to hurt that much. He offered to be my drug, which I needed him to be. And when that drug was taken away from me, it felt like heroin being stripped from my spirituality. Now that I feel I’m sobered up from “the magic of the relationship” - I have an option. I could get addicted to the beautiful, addictive magical spiritual heroin he could give me, which I know good and well is NOT infinite and feel good while it lasts…. and then experience the horrible chills of the “come down” experience when I realize I need more time with him than he has time he’s willing to commit. *sigh*

So for the time being, I’ve made the decision to be without the drug. And goddammit it was one of the most memorable experiences I ever had. The way he looked at me WAS the drug. That’s ALL it was. It certainly wasn’t physical at all. I got lost in his eyes and they’d turn me into dust, literally. And he was a boy, Jesus Christ. A boy.

I’m a hopeful romantic. I can’t help but hope for magic all the time. It’s all I think about, really. And people wonder why I prefer girls. Maybe it’s best to stick with what I know best… women.

Love
Isabella
xoxoox

Brave the heart

Published on June 3, 2008 in Journal posts. 0 Comments

So this morning I mustered up all the courage within me… and confronted my fear of rejection head on. I used every possible communication skill within me to share my fears, worries, and concerns with my partner as well as asked what I could have done differently or what would make this work better for us in the future and the response was shockingly beautiful. My partner, Xaenith… wants to take things slow. Breathe. I can play the slow game. I kick ass at the slow game. The most beautiful things in life are the ones that took a great deal of time to create. It would be an honor to create this relationship from the foundation up knowing there is all the time in the world to piece it together. I just needed to hear there was mutual interest. And WOW was there.

It still, though, however… does not appease the horniness.

I suppose the next best thing to being with a partner is… listening to my own recordings. I can do that. In fact, you all should expect all my future recordings (if they’re not already) to be intensely personal.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxoox

The path to love

Published on May 27, 2008 in Journal posts. 3 Comments

I am so pleased that I have such a beautiful group of customers who have stayed connected with me for so long. Sometimes I forget what it’s like from a different perspective. Most of the time, I forget to write people back via email due to time constraints. And other times I choose not to write people back because I know they’ll expect me to write them promptly or regularly all the time, which often I just don’t have the time or the motivation to do. So when I continually get letters from people (even when I fail to write them back), I am reminded of how lucky and privileged I am as a human being to have people who love to remain connected to me. I’d like to spend this journal entry just saying thank you to the people who write me. It’s a marvelous external validation to open my inbox and read letters from those who tell me their lives have changed either directly or indirectly in relation to the recordings I create. Sometimes I forget that my voice, my words… are worth such value to people. Times like today, I feel a deep connection to my fan base and all I want to do is give back. It’s not often I remind my clients they are special, but they are. I am the happiest woman in the world just knowing that there is at least *one* person out there that reads my journal entries. And to know that multitudes of people read my words is just icing on the cake. Nothing feels better than being loved, acknowledged, or wanted.

Sometimes at home, I struggle to maintain an image of excellence. Most times I succeed, but sometimes I fail. When I’m online, I have time to think before I write, which helps portray an image of excellence. So I can see why people are drawn to me online. There are times I wonder if the same people who are attracted to me online would equally be interested in me in real life. I crave connection all the time, and although I am in several current relationships right now (which is a big deal in itself)… I also want personal relationships with my clients. Most of my friends all agree it’s not the smartest idea to get too personal with clients. And I suppose anyone who reads this would also agree with it as well. Business relationships turning personal, in general, is a bad idea. But from a completely different perspective, sometimes I feel I’m willing to lose a little money just to connect to someone who puts me on such a big pedestal. There’s something magical about being worshipped in real life. The thing is… there are very few customers out there who have shared such personal things about themselves that make me trust them to invite them into my lives. Trust is my number one priority in all given relationships with people. Without it, there is nothing but a constant building of human connection. Sometimes I wish I knew more local people in which I could cuddle with. I have a couple cuddle partners but they’re involved sexually with other people and often times I feel I’m not enough. It’s both challenging as well as satisfying. I feel so many things.

The good news is that slave m is moving in with me in about 3 weeks which will be nice because I miss having a slave to beat. He brings the best out of me. I miss him very much. Our relationship is solid… the only thing that isn’t is our location. The constant moving in and moving out is aggravating at best. But when we’re together, our love is undeniable.

Also, I’ve lost 13 of the 15 pounds I’ve gained. The weight reduction is working. I like this very much.

I long for so many things. The anticipation of longing is often the worst part. I miss deidre. I miss her so much. I rarely talk about her in my journal because for the longest time she’s been connected in other intimate relationships and I didn’t want to be a jeopardizing factor. As long as she’s happy, I’m happy… which is why I’ve supported all of her previous relationships. Now she’s single, and I can’t help but think about her every waking minute of every day. I told myself the first day I met her that I’d wait up to 7 years to be with her. I’m still willing to wait another 5 and a half years. My gut tells me that one day we’ll be together. But are my instincts right? I hate the longing. I hate developing strategies sometimes. Patience is a virtue, I know. All I really want is to snuggle with her watching television. At this very moment, that’s all I want. Just to touch her. I miss her.

My relationships with Kasha and Xaenith are blossoming. It’s surreal. It’s a learning process. And my roommate Jenna is a bit mad at me for developing a relationship with Xaenith since she’s dating him too (actually so is Kasha). Jenna even hung up on me today which was maddening. This is why monogomous people shouldn’t be in poly relationships. Either shit or get off the pot, but don’t tell me to wait for you to decide. I don’t play that game. It hurt a great deal to be told, “I can’t believe he’d rather be with a lesbian than with me.” It was as though I was completely stereotyped in the worst possible way. I can self-identify as being a lesbian and still have intimate connections with men. I am attracted to mostly women, but many previous partners can testify that I have had long-lasting profound relationships with men. It just takes the right kind of man. *sigh* I better stop. What I really want to say is probably best discussed in my more private blog to avoid the hurting of feelings.

It’s easy to suppose that some people like me because I’m approachable and human, but also a Goddess. The problem is… sometimes I can be so realistically human that people see a new perspective of who I am. All it leads to is a deeper connection. Maybe that’s why I’m so grateful I have the customers I have. They’re friends, really. It’s beautiful. I’m thankful to be considered important in some people’s lives the way I consider some people important in mine.

I want to be in a relationship where I am my partner’s #1 and my partner is my #1. My mind is open to many ideas and I’ll know it when it lands in my lap. But I do long. I long for love in ways no one will ever know. I am in love with love and I know it. There are many different paths to love. I just want the destination.

Love
Isabella
xoxooxxo

Small things in life

Published on May 22, 2008 in Journal posts. 0 Comments

Kasha and I went to Roots yesterday for a lovely get-together. There’s some restaurants where it seems like the perfect place to go when you want to set the mood just right. It’s a vegetarian diner in Bloomington with live green plants in the windows and booths and tables made of wood where you can see all the knots and live growth of the wood. And since I eat there so much (probably 3 times a week), all the servers are acquaintances of mine which always seems to lead to great service. Win-win situation.

And what’s awesome to me about eating at Roots is that no matter who I take there, the connection always seems to be perfect. There’s never a worry about weirdness or being too romantic or too hopeful or too overpriced or too much expectation. It’s the very kind of place a person can be oneself. For some reason, I equate cloth napkins as being the type of accessory in which a person has to act slightly differently than their “normal self” which is one reason I like to eat at places with disposable ones. But I don’t like fast food cause it’s too unhealthy, too cheap, often times: too dirty, and most of the employees have little incentive to keep things clean and awesome. Roots is the perfect alternative. It’s quick enough so you don’t feel like you’re waiting forever for your food. It’s long enough so you have time to communicate with your friends without rushing. It’s clean enough that you could eat off the floor. And it feels like a mom and pop type place except run by twenty-somethings.

After Roots, she and I went to the Dharma Emporium where we bought some oils, a tie-dyed Bloomington t-shirt, hemp necklaces, books about the mind, and a trippy poster. Then we went to a restaurant/bar/shopping place called “Farm” so we could see what all the hype was about. I bought some organic soaps and candles and checked out the menu for later use. A bit expensive for what they were offering. For a simple hot veggie dish, it was $18. Some things went as high as $26, which in itself isn’t a lot of money, but in Bloomington it is. We made acquaintances with some of the workers and had a few free samples and listened to some “Me and Mrs. Jones” music playing over head. Their bar seems pretty hip. Must go back.

When we went to her place, we waited till darkness then took a walk to a nearby lake where we heard the most beautiful sounds of animals in the grass and water but couldn’t make out what type of animal we could hear. It almost sounded like geese and frogs but could have been something different. Listening to those animals was pure magic… and quite musical. Then we spotted what we thought was a black cat but at no point could we make out details. We made the assumption that we thought it was a cat based on the fact there were times at which it appeared there was no grass. By using the process of deletion we were able to make a valid conclusion that where there was no grass, there was darkness. And that darkness moved in the shape synonymous with that of a cat.

It’s the small things that really count.

Love
Isabella
xooxox

Social life

Published on January 26, 2008 in Journal posts. 1 Comment

Someone asked me a few months ago if I ever get lonely being me. Many people assume that because I have thousands of online admirers, that my social life must be out of this world. And those who read my journal probably assumed the opposite, that perhaps I often reject new friendships because usually they want something from me. For instance, most readers who want to be my “friend” are often people hoping to receive freebies from me, in regards to hypnosis or the services I provide. So the assumption was either I have lots of friends or practically any friends.

So, if you’d like to know a little behind-the-scenes, let me give you the scoop on my social life.

When I lived in San Diego, I spent a great deal of my time socializing with friends and strangers, and often new people would somehow find their way over to my house and I’d party with them. Most of the time it was because I sensed a lack of belonging in myself and frankly, felt like people would “accept” me more if I threw lots of parties. It seemed to work short term. I had hundreds of people who I considered friends or acquaintances. By most standards, that is unreal and very difficult to maintain as real friendships. Life seemed good on the outside, but on the inside I felt like I was desperate for alone time with myself. Then I moved to Indiana. For the first year, I practically locked myself inside the house to prevent me from partying with strangers, mostly to keep me from relapsing on bad drugs like I did in the past. Apparently, I quickly realized, socialization tended to increase my craving to overindulge in binge drinking and drugging. Being alone - no problem. No cravings. So moving to Indiana allowed me a much-needed “sober place” in mind and body to become comfortable in my own skin.

An entire year went by and I loved being alone and not going out or making new friends. (Not referring to the wonderful people who flew or drove in from out of state to visit me which were a breath of fresh air!) I looooved being alone! I actually preferred the alone time with myself and not going out. Then in late September, my first signs of loneliness began. Sometimes I’d leave the house at four in the morning just so I could go to a restaurant or supermarket that might still be open - just HOPING I could have a real life conversation with another human being, instead of online communication. I craved human contact. Just a hug. Anything. I’d go to strip clubs just so I could hold a woman in my arms, even if the connection was a superficial high. I needed it. And for about a month, it got worse. My craving to have contact with people increased, and all efforts seemed to go nowhere. The interaction that was in abundance in San Diego, was absolutely gone here in Bloomington. I needed local friends. My efforts increased - whether going to more coffee shops, bars, clubs, bookstores, etc. I was there. Still nothing.

Then I went to Kona, Hawaii for a Master NLP training, which I assumed would only be a training seminar. I had no idea how much the island (and the people on it) would change my life. I remember staring at the ocean the night I got there and having an inner dialogue with myself. If I could have anything, what would it be? My first response was “a healthy relationship” and a “network of friends.” The words seemed to come out all by themselves. The next night was my birthday and a part of me was a little sad at the idea of spending my birthday on a beautiful island all by myself. I had spent the whole day wandering outside the hotel around the beach and hammocks and walked down beautiful garden paths. The day was great. The night was nice. I still needed human contact and it hurt. As I walked into the lobby on my way to the hotel restaurant, I ran into 3 friends who I had met previously at another NLP seminar in California back in July. We recognized each other and had a beautiful dinner with live Hawaiian music playing, drinking margaritas and a drink appropriately called “hula girl.” All this time (aside from brief interlude in July revisiting friends and family), I finally got to spend quality time - 3 weeks to be exact, with other human beings who all had the same goal as me. Those three weeks changed my life. While in Hawaii, I made 11 lifetime friends. Not acquaintances. Lifetime friends. Friends to the end kind of people. Friends who will stick with you and help you get to your goal through thick and thin. It was all part of that spiritual awakening experience. With the help of lots of interaction and positive NLP, I finally got rid of my negative blocks to accepting friendship in my life which truly opened my eyes. I finally decided that when I’d return home, I’d instantly make friends instead of blocking communication from potential relationships.

My new personal philosophy worked. Within a week of arriving home, my sister Goddess friend fell into my lap. Literally fell from the sky. I met Kasha Shakti. And now I’ve been introduced to all her friends and all of us get along so wonderfully. I’m even throwing my first real “get-together” tomorrow night, which I am stoked about. It’s been OVER a year (we’re talking San Diego times) since I’ve thrown a party. For the first time in my whole life, I feel more balanced and aligned with myself to even throw such a party. This is the first time I actually care equally about others as I do about myself, instead of this imbalanced portrayal of whose needs come first. And even more amazing that Kasha wants me to join the Freedom Community and wants to host an event at my house. I swear, it blows my mind. This is exactly what I needed and it has instantly manifested. More friends. More loving connections. More positivity. I love that there are people who love NLP as much as I do and actually live out here. It absolutely shocks me. I’m in heaven. Life couldn’t be more perfect. Life is good. Pinch me. Friends. Real friends. In Indiana! And I love that they accept me for “me” rather than the e-lebrity that people often make me out to be. I’m just one of the guys. And Superbowl party at my house next sunday, kick ass!

I suppose the motto of this rambled-on journal entry would be. Ask and you shall receive. If you want something, sometimes the best way to achieve it is to stop complaining. Step two, put yourself at blame and accept cause instead of blaming the world for your problems. Step three, let the negativity go and accept the positivity of whatever the world has to offer you. Blessings do come when you let them. Most of the time we’re just too damn stubborn to see the positive if it hit us in the face.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxoxo

Everyone’s opinions

Published on May 24, 2007 in Journal posts. 12 Comments

It really is a shame that I have to write this post.

Ever since slave maurice and I came out to the public about our D/s relationship, everyone has had voiced their opinions about us. I mean, it’s on every fucking hypnosis website, hypnosis group, hypno forum, etc. and the opinions range from being very positive and supportive to downright nasty and hateful. What is the big fucking deal? My lord. He and I have had an insatiable bond for the longest of time that didn’t include ANYONE else in our little world and all of a sudden, hundreds and hundreds of people all start piping in their comments about our relationship. If people were all positive, I probably wouldn’t mind as much, but as you know, people don’t always agree.

What really annoys me is that there are folks who simply don’t understand the 24/7 BDSM lifestyle at all. And because they don’t UNDERSTAND the concept of a full power exchange, they tend to point fingers and say hateful things. People made comments suggesting that we are idiots or slave maurice is making a big mistake or we are fools or whatever. First of all, may I remind everyone talking about us - that we are real people and these are OUR LIVES you are so blatantly attacking? I understand the craving to gossip about people who live in the limelight, especially when the hypno community is fairly small to begin with… but enough is enough! Regardless of what people say or how hateful people get, it’s not going to change our minds about how we feel about each other. Why? Because our relationship is not up for debate. It never has been. He and I have formed an everlasting bond and it’s not going to break simply because people are shocked by my occupation and his fetish. The only reason we came out publically, was because of the new site ownership of Inraptured.com, not for everyone’s fucking opinions about our personal relationship.

Several people now have expressed concern that he is giving up his “family” for me. God. For once and for all, he’s not fucking married with an armful of kids. Jesus christ. When I said he was giving up his family for me, I was referring to all his siblings, his parents, his family and friends who all live around him that he’s close to. Why does this matter to you all? It’s NOT YOUR LIFE. It’s mine. It’s his. Goddamn. Others have expressed concern that he’s merely “giving into a hypno fantasy” and making a terrible decision. Are you all fucking insane? If this was just a hypno “fantasy,” I WOULDN’T be doing this. It wasn’t like I just jumped into this relationship. And it wasn’t like I went looking for HIM. Trust me on that. The two of us found each other when we weren’t even looking. There was instant chemistry and it kept growing and never stopped. As he began to fall in love with me, I began to become more fond of him. This is not a fantasy, this is REAL LIFE. I’ve lived with a slave before. I’ve had a 24/7 slave before living in my home. It’s not the first time for me. This is NOT some fantasy world. Anyone who thinks it is a fantasy - well, it must be a fantasy for YOU, but it certainly isn’t a fantasy for maurice and I. It’s very REAL. Paying for plane tickets is REAL. Getting ready to move in together is REAL. Purchasing lots of bondage equipment is REAL. Checking the compatibility of our fetishes is REAL. Finding out his fetish level from this week to that week is REAL. There’s NOTHING fantasy about that. It’s only fantasy if you “think” about it and never follow through.

Thousands of submissives all over the world give up their lives, their jobs, their homes, to move in with dominants they met online. People they spent a long time getting to know and trust. Hell… if you think about it, even REGULAR people meet online and give up their jobs and move cross-country to be with the people they love. Why are we so different? Why should we be denied that right too? Why is it so wrong that he gave me his (non-profit) website as an act of love? Need I remind everyone I’ll be the one forking over my own personal money for new scripts, upgrades, and hosting. When someone loves another person, they give a part of themselves to another person. And when slave maurice gave me inraptured.com, he was VERY MUCH giving me a big part of himself and entrusting me with it. It was like handing me a key to his heart and saying, “I love you and there is no one I trust more than you and therefore I want you to have the one thing I have had of value for so long.” Why can’t people see the BEAUTY in that instead of seeing the vindictive side? Do people REALLY think I am the jealous type of girl who is going to ban all of my competitors and turn the site into an “Isabella site” simply to promote myself? Are people insane? Hell I’m not jealous of a single one of my competitors. Most of them are jealous of me. My money is more than fine thank you. (hello? I’ll be supporting me AND slave maurice on just MY income alone!) I swear, it just annoys me when people assume the worst about me - when they DON’T even know me.

The two of us have many safety measures in place, including “safe people” who have our contact info should anything happen to either one of us. I constantly ask him during our bdsm sessions how he’s handling what I’m dishing out to make sure he’s ok. Eventually I will ask him less and less because I’ll know his tolerance level. But for now, this is my way of building up a trusting relationship with him in person. For those of you who for ONE SECOND assume we’re not being “safe” don’t have anything to worry about. Even when I have him in a brainwashing cage, I have a video monitor in there to watch his every move. I have safety features and things he can resort to in the event he ever wants to put a halt to anything - none of which he’s had to do. I find it offensive that people would doubt my integrity, my professionalism, or my care over him. I take my care over slave maurice very seriously and I care over him the way I would care for my own child (if I had one).

Yes, I am a hypnotist. Yes, he is a hypnofetishist. Yes, he loves to be brainwashed. So what? What’s the big deal? You think just because I am a hypnotist, I don’t deserve love? You think that because I am a hypnotist in my professional life, I should never hypnotize people in my personal life? He and I share a fetish of hypnosis. That doesn’t mean I hypnotize him to do stuff against his will, hell that’s impossible anyway. People make it sound as though I FORCED him to move in with me. God. What is wrong with you all? I am his Mistress and he is my slave. He wants nothing more than to serve me for the rest of his life and there is nothing I want more than to have him down at my feet looking up at me.

The two of us have waited our whole lives to finally find each other. Whenever we speak to each other on the phone, there is a sense of urgency and genuine adoration that goes both ways. You can hear it in our voices. When we type to each other on IM, our conversations last hours and hours and we have to force ourselves to pull away even when our eyelids barely stay open, simply because we want to keep each other company. When we spend time together in person, we are inseparable. I can’t even describe our relationship into words and I shouldn’t even have to.

I do want to thank those of you who have shown an outpouring of support for us. The positive comments have FAR outweighed the negative comments, both in emails and in posts throughout the internet. For that, slave maurice and I are both very thankful. We’ve actually discussed this quite thoroughly and every time someone said something nice about us, we would share it with each other and say, “Look what this person said about us, isn’t it sweet?” and those really made a positive impact on us. I apologize in advance for the GOOD people having to read such a NEGATIVE journal entry, but you know how it is. For some reason, even when lots of people say something wonderful, there’s always a few bad apples that tend to stick out the most. I’m trying not to let it get to me, after all… I’m finally in the relationship I’ve always wanted. I’m not about to compromise it just because some people out there are confused why someone would actually go through with such an extreme lifestyle.

Some people are meant to live boring lives. Some people are meant to live exciting, extreme lives. Obviously slave m and I fall into the latter.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxooxox