I wrote a song back in 2003 during the time in my life when I was a phone sex operator and people were in love with the sound of my voice and a photo of someone else. It was also during a time when nobody online knew what I looked like because I didn’t share photos of myself. People had fallen in love with someone who was not me. This hurt because I remember wanting SO bad to tell people who I was and to show the world myself. It literally felt like it was killing me because I remember wanting so badly to share my secret.
Today while I was redecorating my “new age” room, I ran across a journal I had tucked away on a bookshelf. The journal was mostly empty except for the first few pages: a song I wrote. Truth be told, I have no recollection every writing it but it’s my handwriting, so I can only assume I was either heavily intoxicated or on a lot of drugs at the time.
I thought I’d share this in my blog, not so much so people can read it, but so I can look back at this later. After I post the entry, I’ll rip out the page from the journal so it will be a brand new journal and I can start over with a clean slate.
How would you like to read one of my private writings from years ago?
Untitled lyrics:
I find bravery behind these bed curtains
baring my inner flesh to myself
too emotional in art
and all that is lost
I feed my heart with false flattery
you make me feel so beautiful
and at the same time
remind me of who I cannot be
I can stay locked in your imagination
I can make all your dreams my own
I know what your heart craves
what your mind’s been longing for
but to bare myself
oh but to bare myself
I don’t think I can be that brave
no I can’t bare myself
that would be too brave
All these pieces you think you have of me
they’re figments of who I cannot be
you’ve fallen in love
with someone not quite me
a reality too perfect, a little too flawless
how do I open up my doors
when my closet may topple you
How do I steer a course
when the other path looks better
how do I stay genuine
when all my honesty proves a lie
I wear so many shoes
I have so many soles
but when I am home
all I have is my bare feet
I can be all of your imagination
I can be more than your every dream
I can be the one who heals your heart
and brings out your tender mind
but to bare myself
oh to bare myself
I don’t think I could be that brave
no I can’t bare myself
that would be too brave.
too brave
oh so brave
what if I lost you forever
no I can’t bare myself
no no no I can’t
I can’t lose what I want so much
I can’t lose you
I can’t lose
I can’t lose myself
oh oh ooohhh ohhhh
ohhh oooohh oooooh oh
I can’t lose you
I can’t bare myself
so close your eyes
let me talk a while
oh oohh oohhh ohh
let me talk a while
oh ooohhhh
let me be your art
let me be your passion
let me be
let me be….
The rest of my handwriting is hard to read, so I’ll stop there. Looking back, it sounded kind of sad. I never realized I carried such a sadness. Sometimes the only way to see results of personal growth is to look back and remember the past.
Love
Isabella
xoxoxo
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